In between start and end

Last year I posted a 2020 resolutions for the upcoming year, so this end of the year is the perfect time to review them before the step into a new year.

Below is my resolutions listed with the ones that I have and haven't completed:

To summarize, I only achieved 3 things out of 10 of them. Not a great achievement tbh but mainly bcos my interest has just been changing this past year. 

I realized that some of the things listed are actually harder to achieve since I'm still a student and very much restricted. Some other really just went south because of my incompetency and lack of proficiency. Probably expected too much from myself.

With that, here's a 2021 version of it.

1. Graduate degree with at least a 3.5 CGPA

Currently no longer a 3.5 pointer student huhu.

2. Build a micro-habit system

I've seen a video talking about building micro-habits and was totally up for it. However, I haven't been setting up one for myself and feel like I should any time soon. So, I'm looking forward to building that system and incorporate that into my life by the end of next year.

3. Upload more kpop covers than I did in 2019.

I'm gonna re-attempt this resolution simply because I've actually been disappointed in myself of not achieving this in the past year.

4. Rebuild that emergency fund

I was actually close to setting aside RM1000 in my emergency fund back in 2019 but failed because I ended up using it to fund my exchange programme and Korea trip. In 2020, I didn't have much to save and financially was pretty tough. But I've been trying to build my emergency fund back and I'm gonna work harder in being strict about it this time.

2021 goal: RM1000

5. Post at least once in each month

The best feeling is when I read back all my archive and relive each moments long after it happened. It's honestly why I kept this blog for so long even when nobody really reads them. Documenting my life through this blog is probably one of the happiest decisions I've ever made in my life.

I think that would be all that I'm gonna put out there. I'll leave the rest of the resolutions to my journal as they're pretty personal 🤭

Dropping by,

Staying at home has made my days pretty much a routine - class, kpop, kdrama, shopee, sleep, repeat. I've lately been addicted in collecting shopee coins lol. But even so, not one day felt boring enough til I don't wanna get out of bed. 

I think that alone is something last semester me couldn't relate. 

Hence, I decided to analyze a little bit of how things went differently this time. And of course, I'll try focusing on the things that I have control over. 

First, my mindset towards having a "break".

Last time, I used to think that I intensely needed some break every time I get overwhelmed. When my friends tell me I should get some time off, I really did. But that's the mistake, I overdid it. I rested so much that I ended up not doing anything with the actual work.

I gave myself too many reasons for a "break" that made myself very manja and lazy. I was really just running away from my responsibilities - which definitely took a toll on both my grades and mental health (in case you weren't reading my previous posts).

One thing that I learn from that is, I shouldn't have a break unless I've finished some work. I know it should go without saying, but sometimes, you gotta have a strong mind to achieve it.

Next is being time efficient in planning.

I have always loved planning. But do I always stick to them...? Uhh 🙂

Ok, so I suck at keeping up with my own plans. Then that left me with two options, either to build a new planning system or retry the old one.

That got me thinking. I realised that I never truly even keep up with the current system I have, so I decided to turn a new page and have a fresher start. I didn't change anything in how I plan since my diploma days. However, what I did change was my attitude towards it.

I didn't ignore my checklist and frequently updates them. To make sure I am not overwhelmed with work, I always break things down to smaller tasks. Instead of writing "Study Chapter 1, 2 and 3", I break down to 3 separate checklist - "Chapter 1", "Chapter 2" and "Chapter 3". 

Does it make my list longer? Yes. Does it motivate me more? Surprisingly it does. After I'm done with one chapter, I crosses one out and it gave me a great feeling of accomplishment even over something so little. 

From there, I realised that my focus is not about being productive, it should be about having consistent progress. There's no use in being super productive when the thing I should overcome is to just get myself to do something.

Lastly, complaining less.

I noticed that people don't complain when they're doing well. You'd think that is very obvious, but to me, that is a huge indicator that I'm doing well. Complaining less means lesser negativity so it's always nice to vibrate positive energy from within. I don't just mean complaining on social media, I mean complaining in real life - whether to your friends, your family or just whoever you speak day-to-day to.

To stop myself from complaining, I just force myself to do my best. I get myself to face all the work that I know scares me, just so that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I think we tend to complain about the things we worry most and it really shows when I get anxious even after letting it out.

I really hate that feeling so I try to address every single thing that makes me most anxious, soonest. So far, it has left me with more space to breathe. They still sometimes do keep me up at night, but at least it no longer linger more than it should. And I think that is a positive sign.

All in all, I am in my Week 11 of my final semester. Few more weeks until final presentations and final assessment. I'm praying I can get the GPA that I hope for, but most importantly the intern place that I dream of.

My degree life is actually ending soon! I'm not ready be an adult 😲😲

Dropping by,

As someone who love watching k-dramas and listening to k-pop, I feel like VPN is becoming an essential tool for international fans. 

Sometimes, k-entertainment can be very restricting to certain regions that makes it unnecessarily hard for some of us to access them. So in this post I will be showing you how I personally overcome that! 

First, you need to find a VPN that works for you. What is VPN, you may ask?

VPN stands for virtual private network. In layman's term, it's basically used to hide your actual device's IP address with another IP address (thus the name "virtual") to trick the internet into thinking your location is not where you actually are. Some use it for safety purposes (like when using public wifi), others use it for this kind of accessibility purposes.

My personal fav is Psiphon. It was recommended to me when I needed to access restricted contents (like KissAsian to watch kdramas) when using the student's wifi.

Here is the download link https://psiphon3.com/en/download.html. You first need to download and install it in your PC. I personally don't really use the app version, so it might work differently through the app. 

Once you've downloaded and installed Psiphon, you can simply run the application every time you want to access any restricted content.

You can simply disconnect it to get your local IP address back. Easy as that!

However, this VPN do have a limited list of countries you can connect to. For my case, South Korea is not in the list, so Korean contents are still not directly available for me. However, contents that is available to USA is easily available once I turn this on. Most of the time, that worked well enough for me.

I never really had a need to change to other VPN in the 5 years of using this, but feel free to try other software if this doesn't work for you. 

That is it for this little tutorial, hope you could benefit from it.

Dropping by,

What would it be like if we're living a life full of suspicion of the people around us? Well, I'm here to tell you this drama is exactly that! 

"365: Repeat The Year" is a kdrama by MBC aired from March until April 2020 starring Lee Joon Hyuk and Nam Ji Hyun. It consists of 12 episodes, but don't be fooled because this is the perfect length for it! 

In university, there are 2 types of students. The one who always lead and one who never wants to. This blog post is the POV of one who almost never not the leader.

I'm not tryna brag but I genuinely think that leaders are so rare. Speaking from experience, it's so hard to find someone else that can naturally lead a group and be reliably good at it.

Truth is, being a leader sucks.

You always have to start doing everything early even when you don't feel like it, because reality is that nobody wants to start the work. But you can't just ask and demand answers from your members expecting them to give a good idea - most of the time they're just not well thought out.

In the end, it's always me giving all the good ideas. Thankfully, ideas come naturally to me so the others just naturally agree with everything. Weirdly enough, I actually look forward to be criticized for my ideas, but never once that happened. Even when there's rejection, it's always me coming up with newer ideas to replace that and never someone else giving me theirs.

What sucks about it is what will happen after.

I gave all the ideas. Logically, other people shall continue to expand it and we'll divide our work, right? Ha ha ha, as if.

Expanding the ideas became my work, because I seem to be the only one who understand the root of my idea. Then I have to divide all the work myself because "I'm the leader" and everyone just want the easy way out.

Assigning work means I need to know how the overall content is gonna be, so obviously I need to do all the understanding and break them into parts myself. Sometimes the assignments given aren't clear yet I need to assume something, so everyone can have their own parts and do THEIR work.

At this point, I hope you can see how NOT EASY being a leader is and probably why everyone hates being one.

After everyone is done with their parts, somebody have to compile and check everything, right? I would be extremely blessed if I have another member who have sharp eyes and good comprehension skills to check, but unfortunately it's rare that anyone would care about the quality of it, like if there's direct copy pasting, uneven formatting, unrelated contents or just something as simple as typos. I have never personally work with anyone who is as particular of those things as much as me, so it has always been my work, leader or not.

As a fellow student, I feel so pissed every time people expect other people to clean up their mess. How wonderful would my uni life be if everyone cares about their own work and give their best at it. You don't have to look at much, just ensure you don't copy paste and clean up all the formatting. That will already be very helpful.

But if only life was fair. 

Leaders aren't just the person in front but we have to push people from the back too and stressful is an understatement. I remember breaking down at the end of a semester because I had to lead even when I wasn't the official group leader. Everyone was just so irresponsible and didn't want to take the fall. Honestly, strangers or not, even friends can be such terrible groupmates.

I will be super thankful if even one member would personally come up to me and offer a hand to help. But like I said, they're rare.

Last week, I had 2 presentations and as you guess it, I am basically the "leader" by forced. The members are my own friends I'm close with but everything that I mentioned here, still occur.

I proposed the idea. This time, another friend helped with the basis of inspiration (bless them).

I wrote most if not everything in the report.

I divided the parts.

I lead the presentations.

And because they're people I know well, they're very cooperative in terms of responding and I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't cut out the fact that I can't put much faith in them.

After those presentations, my lecturers - to my pleasant surprised, praised us.

One of them said, "I can tell you've practiced more than once" and we did! 

For that class we had to conduct a mock meeting and I prepared the entire 15 mins worth of script (let's not talk about the continuous hours I spent writing). I made sure we practiced together and we did a video call twice prior to the presentation day. It was leceh but thank God everyone were up for it.

I'm sooo happy my lecturer thinks we are good. I know I can pull it off myself, but I was scared for my friends because their language skills are pretty subpar. Glad the practice helped. Obviously, thanks to my scripts too. I came up with the entire meeting flow and it was definitely not as easy as you think. So much research!

Next presentation was about a project proposal. I was very anxious for this presentation because I did 85% of the work and I was scared for my friends for not able to present it well due to lack of understanding on the material. In the end I butted in a lot when our lecturer questioned our budget costs. All of the groups were questioned a lot for this part so no shocking there.

After all the intense confusion and goreng, we were asked how much do we think we deserve out of the 20 marks. All the groups were asked this at the end of the presentation. But before we could even say any value, my lecturer said "I think this is the first group that deserved the 20 marks". Mind you, we were THE LAST presenter for the day. He also said we were very professional during our presentation.

You have no idea how amazing it felt. I thought we did badly considering the amount of pressure he gave us on the costing part. It wasn't detailed enough for him. So when he said that, I was elated by it! It shows that I did really well on carrying my group.

I have never really been acknowledged for being a leader, despite being the official leader for at least 2-3 groups every semester. This is the first time I felt like I got a pat on the back.

Though I sometimes wish I can feel relaxed and depend on someone else for once - like the feeling of "know-know dah siap", I probably never will be able to anymore.

Being a leader sucks, the thought of having to care for other people isn't always fun. But if it's worth delivering good quality work and getting good grades, sure... haih 🤷

Dropping by,

It's already 4am and I can't sleep cos I'm so over the moon right now!! 

I've never experienced such a big accomplishment like being mentioned by Kpop idols I looked up to. That is something I don't even dare to dream of. It honestly feels surreal to even appear in front of them. 

Before you get confused about what is going on, I'll just briefly explain to you on what just happened. Long story short, I joined this K-culture contest where idols learn and teach people all around the world different Korean cultures. This contest involved few of the big named K-pop artists namely PENTAGON (honestly the reason I decided to join), THE BOYZ, G-IDLE, ONF and OH MY GIRL. Each artist have different genre that they are part of so the one I joined was THE BOYZ's genre.

As much as I wanted to join PENTAGON's genre, I don't really have access to the instruments since their genre is Samul Nori (literally samul means "four instruments" and nori means "play"). So, I joined the genre that I think I could pull of which was Taekwonmu (a combination of taekwondo and "anmu" which means choreography/dance).

Two weeks after submission closed, I got an invitation to be part of the online streaming. Like any other K-pop event, this event also has performances along with some fan interactions, which in this case, interactions with the fellow participants. Honestly, this event is almost similar to KCON except that it's free (both the participation and the streaming).

Ok, moving on to the juicy part.

First of all, I was lucky enough to appear on the screen behind THE BOYZ during the live streaming. Mind you, not everyone who joined got to appear on the screen because obviously it's limited to only a number of people, so the fact that I GOT CHOSEN was honestly a blessing as it is.

You have no idea how long the waiting time was and honestly, it would be a total waste of an entire day if I didn't get to appear on it. Prior to this livestream, everything was so messed up because not only things got delayed but the organizer was also EXTREMELY secretive about it. I even thought I was gonna have a personal video call with the artist instead of this ugh.

Then during the livestream, there was no translator so we're kinda just there to show our faces lol. I didn't understand much but I tried to give my best reaction every time they do something funny or cute. It was a fun overall experience but maybe never again lol.

Next is the actual broadcast. So, in case you didn't get the hint, the livestream was all pre-recorded a week before the actual streaming day. Basically, they could do proper editing and what not before the real event, including adding hard subs.

Now, only during broadcast did I realize that THE BOYZ actually mentioned about MY COVER during the event! When the MC asked Younghoon whose performance did he think was the most impressive, he said, 

In a different clip where they are deciding the winners, Kevin pointed out on a performance saying, 

Then the instructor said, "Oh that's why it looks like there are three people".

Here is a video proof on what happened:

There are NOT many video entries, if not none, that edited like I did. My video was actually inspired by Susiemeoww's cos she does this kind of edit like all the time in her dance covers. I thought it would be cool to have "more people" in my video using that kind of editing. 

One video had similar idea but it's quite obvious that it's a compilation of 3 different clips (unlike my merged style edit), so I was pretty sure that they were talking about MY VIDEO.

After hearing both Younghoon and Kevin's remarks on it, I felt like a true winner! I didn't expect anything out of this and to have idols (ones that I like), mentioning about my video.... just... beyond amazing. I feel like I've achieved my final goal as a fangirl. Legit, being noticed by an idol I like, is literally all I hoped for as a fan and I just achieved exactly that!

My mind just couldn't accept how lucky I am to be noticed like that. Thinking that among tenths of other participants, I was able to stand out to them AND made them think I was worth mentioning, is amazing to say the least. I could never have experienced something that made me as special as this did to me. Totally unexpectable and almost like a dream come true.

Here is my video performance in case any of you are curious:

Dropping by,

One way to tell if someone has a positive vibe or not, is to see their views on things they talk a lot about. 

Nothing beats the feeling of seeing people' eyes lights up when they talk about things they love. Even as they talk about their bad times, it feels comforting when they stay positive about it. 

I don't mean to glamorize success more than it truly is - which often derives from hardwork and sacrifices, but people with a positive mindset tends to have better approach in handling problems that comes their way. Most importantly, they find ways to work around it.

Personally, it's really motivating seeing other people do what they love. However, some might feel demotivated instead because they haven't discovered what they love doing.

I have never had to face that slump (and wish to never be) so I never really had that "Eureka" moment for me to share any. I have always been a consistent soul. I don't change much, though I have become wiser and better at lots of skills, but my mindset and interest has always been somewhat similar kinds.

I think that helped me in finding myself early. Also maybe because changes scares me a bit. I guess I'm very stubborn also, so I'm not easily influenced.

The one thing that can influence me, is people with positive vibe. Honestly, I don't succumb baselessly so I'm very hard to convinced. But if it's coming from someone who makes me feel good, I can be very fast to accept it, even if it was a stranger.

As much as I like to support my friends, there's not many people I know who truly gives me those vibes. Also, when it comes to success/happiness, it's very subjective and often times, not talked a lot about. I love seeing people's raw sides of doing what they love and funny enough I see more "influencers" doing that than my own friends. Kinda makes me stick out like a sore thumb at times.

I have major tendency of avoiding heavy topics on social media, simply because it stresses me out, but those topics is what I often see people talk about. Am I just at that age where matters either get serious with only work and world issues, or just basic mundane things and nothing more in between? Totally fine either way, but sadly nothing for me to get inspired from. 

You know, it's just nicer to see people who I personally know sharing more of what they love instead of caring about every single world problem. Makes me want to do better in life too. 

I recently followed the CEO and Founder of CasesbyWF - Ain Nurina (clickable) on IG and damn I wish I had followed her sooner. I've known CasesbyWF ever since she run a small clothing/fashion business on IG as WallFlowerStore (if I'm not mistaken) and I've seen her business grow so much since!! Little did I know, Ain Nurina has always been very raw about her journey on her personal IG. That made me feel so inspired, even more than I previously did.

Well, just want to say that I love having passionate conversations (even if I don't always involve in them). Future goals, current interests and how life taught you things... just embracing them makes life a little enjoyable. Especially when people are being genuine and positive about their own paths in life, rather than always feeling like nothing's going your way. 

Honestly, I think it's all a mind game. At the end of the day, you choose what you consume.

Dropping by,

As you might or might not know, I'm one of those people who struggled with online class at one point in life. Not a big fan of watching (lots of) study materials on YouTube instead of my favourite YouTube contents. That alone felt like my entire freedom was taken away. 

I was once the kind of person who envy those who love the idea of work from home lol. However, I can now say, it got less overwhelming.

I think I'm slowly breathing in my positive self back. I don't think this would remain forever but at least for now, I've faced the cause and I'm so ready to move on.

Definitely ain't yo average kdrama. 

'Memories of the Alhambra' (or 알함브라 궁전의 추억 which is the literal Korean translation) is a 16-episode drama aired late 2018 until early 2019 on tvN and Netflix starring Hyun Bin and Park Shin Hye. It's also the drama with EXO's Chanyeol. 

Poster credit goes to MyDramaList

This time it is getting much more intense. Like is2g my heart almost dropped at the last scene. This drama is really making me lose my logic lol. How can a dead person came back to life and even harm someone even though it's meant to be part of the 'game'? No... how can a person die through the game in the first place? But the preview for the next ep is really tempting my tired self to continue watching ugh.

One thing we found out is how he became limp. Can we just talk about the preview?? Chanyeol's character Se-ju is INVISIBLE but alive and things seems very complicated now. Something is fishy about the passing-by part between CEO and the foreigner who shared the same train room with Chanyeol... why was it being slow-moed? Another heart wrenching ep where we witness the painful fall. Not to mention, that hospital duel scene which felt so scary huhu. But the logic behind the game was very funny, when the 'obstacle' mention could be a human too. So far, it's on a good-pace.

I can feel his fatigueness and cluelessness about this whole Mr. Cha as NPC all. Like I wanted to tell everyone not to leave him alone, but that's what exactly happened - everyone leaving. Not gonna lie, I want this reappearing to end soon, but at the same time, pretty sure it's gonna last all the way through. Damn it. But we are served with a little appetizer on the romance part. Good start for that tho, good start.

Everything is back in Seoul. Somehow it seems like things is falling back into place in this ep. But I doubt that would last long. I don't know about this but I feel like there's smtg with the ring Mr. Cha is wearing bcos cinematographically speaking, the camera has always aimed at his ring. I might be wrong ofc but we'll see. 

Hee Ju is cleverer than I think. Halfway through out this ep, I thought she was completely fooled by the emails from her "brother" but boy the ending had me wrong. I didn't expect truth to be uncovered so fast. So now, the mystery of Se-ju's disappearance continues...

A lot of things is explained in this ep. The alliance, Marco, the game dealing... there are still some question marks but we're getting there. I haven't noticed this earlier but I looove when Jinwoo talks to Hee Ju, Hyun Bin played his character so charmingly well. His voice sounded like a true gentleman's and I can't help but to fangirl every time he talks to her awwh. I am also beginning to see where things will go south in the drama. Jinwoo will be kicked out by his company and the train scene we witness in ep 2 will happen soon. All bcos of that Professor Cha. I can't even tell whether he is good or bad, or what does a professor even have to do with the game company. Jinwoo is showing signs of interest to Hee Ju but we need a couple more scenes for them to make up and finally let her understand the situation. Jinwoo is really smart and strong-willed for finally reaching lvl 90 in the game. I wonder what was the message he got from the eagle.

It's clear now how bad Professor Cha is. When he tried to matchmake Jinwoo with his first wife, I was disgusted. What kind of dad would let his son's widowed wife remarry her ex-husband?? He wouldn't expect them to be happy after that would he? It'll probably just benefit the dad but idek how lol. Let's talk about the ending. After Mr. Cha was killed in the train at Granada, it was like an apocalypse. The secretary Jeong Hun seems to be dead when he got off the train and swarmed by enemies, but I doubt so. I feel like killing a character that fast is very abrupt and off. I can see the look in Jinwoo's eyes when he read that his ally was dead tho and I think there's more to it than we think.

Probably an ep where you need the toughest heart to get through. So I was wrong about the secretary in the previous ep. Apparently things didn't end well for him. Back in Seoul, they showed a scene where Hee Ju met Se-ju outside of her house but they took us back to 8 hours before and never got back to us since. Hmm. We arrived back at the 'present' time continuing Jinwoo's monologue from ep 2 while he was in the train fighting off terrorists. For him to continue the quest on his own is such a crazy thing to do and this meant that the game would really get crazier. 3 people died bcos of the game so far, and it has only been pre-released. Augmented Reality (AR) could actually be very scary. Pity Jinwoo, people are dying around him - first his ex-best friend and now his devoted secretary. On top of physically drained from killing people everyday. I would've turned heartless if I were him.

An ep about losing the people who once trusted you. I can see how miserable Jinwoo's life is right now. The feeling of hopeless, and seeing the secretary genuinely crying for him while looking after him when he was at his lowest is really sad. I'm just glad Jinwoo is thoughtful enough to notice that. All of his effort for a year just to find Se-ju but only ended up being labeled as crazy, a murderer and now everybody turning their backs on him, not realising what he did was for a greater good. He could've just gave up on Se-ju altogether but he didn't. IS2G I NEED TO SEE PROFESSOR CHA PLAY THIS GAME. He needs to see the actual 'flaw' of the game. I'm sick of hearing they investigated the system without even testing it outside of Seoul or even fight against another user. Like hello... not all bugs are visible yknow. Nobody is listening to Jinwoo and when the secretary finally experienced it too, people still not buying it. Now the secretary's dead... PEOPLE SHOULD HEAR FROM AN ACTUAL PLAYER WHO RANKED MORE THAN THEY DO FOR ONCE!! 

The last scene is their first kiss. The beginning of it was kinda awkward, the usual Park Shin Hye kiss hahah but it got a little more bearable. Please be a good love story, don't disappoint uri Jinwoo like his other wives.

This ep is a less intense one. I like this ep so much cos there's more affection and less fighting scenes. But hands down, the ultimate scene is when Professor Cha sees his son. Taste his wrath yourself, you heartless man! 

Another of my personal fav, is when Minju (Hee Ju's adorable sister) was left alone in the house bcos her grandma and Hee Ju had to stay at the hospital overnight and Jinwoo came home to accompany her. Then the next morning, he prepared breakfast for her bcos he thinks that "he shouldn't let her go to school on an empty stomach" AWWWH #husbandmaterial and even complained how she was hard to wake up. They felt like an actual couple. I'm in love. If only a guy as gentle as him truly exists, I would fall immediately for him hahah.

P.S. I can't help but to notice the sponsored content in this ep tho. Hee Ju's makeup, earrings, even drink. There's Mamonde, Swarovski, Toreta... full-on sponsors back-to-back during Hee Ju's grwm scene lol.

I feel sad watching Se-ju being betrayed by Marco. That game was entirely his and just bcos Marco could speak for them, he's taking more reward out of this?! Greedy much? I couldn't believe how Marco was hit by random bullets Se-ju shot while he was scared tho. On top of that, it was a headshot?? 

Now I see Professor Cha repenting a bit, but dat bitch Yura is now the big bully. What else does she want from Jinwoo? Fame? Money? She's already well-known as it is gdi. The character Emma is the gem in this ep. Who would've thought that hand accessory she wears while strumming the guitar is a symbolic to a legendary hand? The incorporation of history is pretty cool here. We are now moving from fights using body to fights using our heads now. Thanks Se-ju.

Finally, this is the episode we've been waiting for. A completed quest. Well, Go Yura is a mess and Su Jin is a silent mess also. I don't know what I want from the characters, I wished they disappear from the story sooner bcos they bring nothing but disappointments hmm. When Jinwoo reached level 100, it was a reliever. But when Jeong-hun reappeared, that was the highlight. I miss him. And ofc, the ending in this ep meant things will get better... right? I hope so. Finally, Se-Ju is back. For reals. However, the preview is showing another problem, probably involving Professor Cha. I wonder what could that be.

Se-ju's back but the whole thing hasn't end yet. So many unfinished business with the game, the reinvestigation and the problematic wives... but then Professor Cha never seems to make things any better. I take back all my nice thoughts on him. He is the most fake, hypocritical scumbag who's selfishness level couldn't even compare to a devil's. He shouldn't even be allowed to breath and I thought I would have to see him commit another heartless crime after sending troops of high-level NPCs to Jinwoo. But boi, am I glad when Mr. Cha appeared. I feel like the Heavens helped Jinwoo so much when that happened lol. The unfortunate part is, he wasn't the one to end the mess after causing so much of them. SATAN. Mind the anger...

How can somebody be as patient as Jinwoo tho?? He kept all of this misery to himself, bearing the pain physically and mentally for more than a year, nobody believed in him when he was trying to protect everyone, getting backstabbed again and again... yet he still gives second chances to people he cared for even when they didn't have the slightest care for him. And now you're telling me, HE IS THE GAME BUG?? AND THAT HE NEEDS TO BE KILLED FOR THE GAME TO RESET?? WTH MAN. Honestly, the saddest lead I've came across in the kdrama history. He deserved all the happiness in the world, not another misery smh.

It's the last ep.

Sorry for the mood hindrance but.... today is 31st August 2020 and I honestly have kept this post dusted for more than a year. I was probably too overwhelmed by the ending lmao 😅

Anyway, I remember really liking this drama and would recommend it to anyone! I even recommended it on my Instagram before (refer pic below at no. 8) cos this drama was really remarkable. 

I wish to do this ep-by-ep review again soon, even though it's honestly tiresome as I always watch dramas halfway in one sitting nowadays. BUT I'll try. It's actually fun when reading things back hahah 😂

Thanks for reading this different style of review!

Dropping by,

       We all worry about the unknown - our future. All of us are trying to be a better version of ourselves but nobody tells us that it doesn't have to happen now. That it doesn't need to happen immediately. 

       I always find myself worrying about next year or the next 5 years or the next decade of my life... then I wonder, I'm not gonna go anywhere in life if I screw up the present. But honestly, the present is a bit too overwhelming if I put too much thought on it. What's closer ahead is actually scarier than the unknown. It's like I'm only giving myself Plan A options.

        Do you realise that a lot of the videos that people do are always 'Things I wish to tell my 20 year old self', 'Mistakes in my 30s' and so on and so forth. Funny that there's none for the people at 40s and 50s. Is it because our generation aren't there yet? Or is it because young people are obsessed with always being on the right track?

        Have you ever wondered why people watch those kinds of videos? It's because we tend to make sure that we're avoiding mistakes other people do to "save" our time. We worry too much about living a perfect life where everything is sorted out for us.

        I'm gonna sound hypocritical because honestly, that's what I do too. I have lots of future plans. I wanna move out and live in a studio apartment closer to my workplace wherever that may be. I wanna keep living frugally and practice sustainable living - which will probably be more within my control if I'm living by myself. I don't plan to marry so soon anymore so I'm gonna focus on my career goals first. 

        BUT now I realise that I don't have to make it happen immediately. Those videos that mentioned 20s and 30s in their title should not be MY definite timeline. I kinda agree when people say "When you're in your 20s and you make mistake, nobody is gonna scold you because you're still a kid". I personally think the younger you are, the more mistakes you should make cos that's the best way to learn. However, putting a time limit on the mistakes made, is just wrong. Life is all about learning... being young may be a good excuse to do a mistake but shouldn't always be. As long as you're living, the mistake you do at 40 isn't any worse than the same mistake other people do in their 20. We just live different lifestyle and environment. The only takeaway is that we're learning from it despite our age.

        More people, including myself, need to be okay with having our own pace. Whether that means we're a little slow or a little fast, it's better to enjoy life as it is. I wanna stop beating myself up and think I'm falling behind every time I take a break. Honestly, if that is what I need and that is what's best for me, I don't wanna rush. I'm tired of always needing to be "doing a lot". At times, I just wanna do mundane things like learning a new recipe or updating my journals or work on useless things that makes me happy. Sad that these are too boring and less impressive by people's standards.

        With that, I'm leaving you with few of the quotes from a collection of kdramas I've watched before that I think very wise to learn from.

- Rich Man

- The Best Ending (web drama)

- The King: Eternal Monarch

- I Wanna Hear Your Song

- Anna Karenina (Miss Hammurabi)

- Miss Hammurabi

- About Time

- Love O2O (Chinese drama)

- Encounter

- He is Psychometric

- While You Were Sleeping

- Because This is My First Life

- A Korean Odyssey

There's nothing much to take away from this post. Just feel like sharing one new thing I learn - to create my own pace. Thanks for reading!

Dropping by,

        In this post, I feel like sharing a little bit about my mental health. Honestly, I'm confident that I haven't suffered a severe condition such as depression or panic attacks. It's a bit too far-fetched for now. There is definitely a fine line between being mentally healthy and mentally ill, which I am probably neither. I wanted to talk about this sensitive topic because to me, this has somewhat become more significant in my life that I think is worth being documented in this blog.

       Due to my lack of knowledge and understanding, I will try not to talk about other people and compare my situation with others as this may give the wrong information. Therefore, a lot of these things will be about how it began for me and how has my mental health been these days.

        So... the thing is... I often get anxious when I get texts. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time and it's usually when I feel somehow obligated to give a respond to people. Often times it's whenever I am the group leader for an assignment or I need to update on my work to lecturers or just friends demanding for replies. Yes, this is one of my anxiety triggers.

        It may sound funny because this is legit daily life but like I said, it's not an everyday occurrence. What I mean by 'obligated' is when people expect me to give a reply at times I don't feel like replying. It doesn't matter if it puts good or bad pressure on me, but it will always lead to me reacting negatively.

        Which is why I have problem with online class. That thing FORCES me to give a respond and expects students to be ready at all times. I feel wrongful just thinking about it. Somehow I don't have a problem with face-to-face interaction, but I'm dead serious when I say online interaction freaks me out. What's worse is that, lecturers don't bother about these things and nobody really sees it as an issue.

        And over the years I've developed a thing called avoidance behaviour. In fact, this term is very new to me because I've only known to it during the past week.

        In layman's terms, avoidance behaviour is when someone avoids a situation or person due to fear. At this point, I'm aware of what causes me to react that way. However my biggest problem is that the cause is actually people. I've always kept a journal with me, where I will usually write when I am feeling devastated or sometimes very happy though it's often the former.

        I realised that my problem with people is I have tendency to sweep my feelings under the rug whenever I present myself. The feelings that I meant are either anger, frustration, emotional or general dissatisfaction. Basically I kept my negativities away til it crumbles upon me. 

          I often heard people say that I am always a positive person. Well, though that can be true, it is also what makes it harder for me to let out the negative emotions that I felt towards certain people. Like I don't even know how to get mad sometimes. It's not because I'm being nice, it's genuinely because I am afraid of saying the wrong things when deep down, I really want to let them hear me.

        People don't change, I've learnt that well enough. There's no use telling people what they did wrong, if they don't care about it. However, it definitely has been taking its toll on me as the person who have to deal with it alone.

        As a result, I tend to avoid texts altogether - both reading and replying. I've actually been doing so since 2016 and I feel like I will keep on doing it. Based on my recent journal writings, I actually go MIA at least once in a month for a few days. It's actually bad bcos I literally get new messages everyday and it was definitely worse when I was drowning by online classes.

        When I avoid these unwanted "conversations", it's when I feel even more anxious. I know I needed to reply but I'm scared to engage with people so I'm literally stuck in a pit, trying to self-convince. My fear actually lies in people's response. Somehow I can get very disappointed when I don't get a respond I was expecting. So when this disappointment build up, it turns into self-hatred - because I begin questioning my trust on people. And it's a cycle I go through every once in a while.

        I remember it started because I was scared of ruining my friend's expectation. You know, at times you're too ashamed to let people see a part of you so you tried your best to hide it. That was literally how it began. I was too scared that friend will be disappointed in me if I rejected for whatever reason I had so at first, I tried to ignore. In the end, I gave in and forced myself to do something I hesitated in order to please that person. Basically this rooted from a fear towards one's expectation.

        That is why I will be very grateful if I'm not forced to do certain thing. But reality doesn't work that way and though I got better in dealing with my triggers, I can't help but to always expect it come back because the problem always rooted from people and I can't do anything to change them.

        So, that is my little story about my mild social anxiety(?) like I don't even know what to classify this as. Oh and remember that I made a blog dedicated to my poetry? If you didn't know, then SEE HERE. That was actually my coping mechanism on this problem. And that blog was made in 2017.

I hope you are doing good. As always, thanks for reading!

Dropping by,

So in no particular order, let's go!

Poster credit to MyDramaList