In this post, I feel like sharing a little bit about my mental health. Honestly, I'm confident that I haven't suffered a severe condition such as depression or panic attacks. It's a bit too far-fetched for now. There is definitely a fine line between being mentally healthy and mentally ill, which I am probably neither. I wanted to talk about this sensitive topic because to me, this has somewhat become more significant in my life that I think is worth being documented in this blog.

       Due to my lack of knowledge and understanding, I will try not to talk about other people and compare my situation with others as this may give the wrong information. Therefore, a lot of these things will be about how it began for me and how has my mental health been these days.

        So... the thing is... I often get anxious when I get texts. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time and it's usually when I feel somehow obligated to give a respond to people. Often times it's whenever I am the group leader for an assignment or I need to update on my work to lecturers or just friends demanding for replies. Yes, this is one of my anxiety triggers.

        It may sound funny because this is legit daily life but like I said, it's not an everyday occurrence. What I mean by 'obligated' is when people expect me to give a reply at times I don't feel like replying. It doesn't matter if it puts good or bad pressure on me, but it will always lead to me reacting negatively.

        Which is why I have problem with online class. That thing FORCES me to give a respond and expects students to be ready at all times. I feel wrongful just thinking about it. Somehow I don't have a problem with face-to-face interaction, but I'm dead serious when I say online interaction freaks me out. What's worse is that, lecturers don't bother about these things and nobody really sees it as an issue.

        And over the years I've developed a thing called avoidance behaviour. In fact, this term is very new to me because I've only known to it during the past week.

        In layman's terms, avoidance behaviour is when someone avoids a situation or person due to fear. At this point, I'm aware of what causes me to react that way. However my biggest problem is that the cause is actually people. I've always kept a journal with me, where I will usually write when I am feeling devastated or sometimes very happy though it's often the former.

        I realised that my problem with people is I have tendency to sweep my feelings under the rug whenever I present myself. The feelings that I meant are either anger, frustration, emotional or general dissatisfaction. Basically I kept my negativities away til it crumbles upon me. 

          I often heard people say that I am always a positive person. Well, though that can be true, it is also what makes it harder for me to let out the negative emotions that I felt towards certain people. Like I don't even know how to get mad sometimes. It's not because I'm being nice, it's genuinely because I am afraid of saying the wrong things when deep down, I really want to let them hear me.

        People don't change, I've learnt that well enough. There's no use telling people what they did wrong, if they don't care about it. However, it definitely has been taking its toll on me as the person who have to deal with it alone.

        As a result, I tend to avoid texts altogether - both reading and replying. I've actually been doing so since 2016 and I feel like I will keep on doing it. Based on my recent journal writings, I actually go MIA at least once in a month for a few days. It's actually bad bcos I literally get new messages everyday and it was definitely worse when I was drowning by online classes.

        When I avoid these unwanted "conversations", it's when I feel even more anxious. I know I needed to reply but I'm scared to engage with people so I'm literally stuck in a pit, trying to self-convince. My fear actually lies in people's response. Somehow I can get very disappointed when I don't get a respond I was expecting. So when this disappointment build up, it turns into self-hatred - because I begin questioning my trust on people. And it's a cycle I go through every once in a while.

        I remember it started because I was scared of ruining my friend's expectation. You know, at times you're too ashamed to let people see a part of you so you tried your best to hide it. That was literally how it began. I was too scared that friend will be disappointed in me if I rejected for whatever reason I had so at first, I tried to ignore. In the end, I gave in and forced myself to do something I hesitated in order to please that person. Basically this rooted from a fear towards one's expectation.

        That is why I will be very grateful if I'm not forced to do certain thing. But reality doesn't work that way and though I got better in dealing with my triggers, I can't help but to always expect it come back because the problem always rooted from people and I can't do anything to change them.

        So, that is my little story about my mild social anxiety(?) like I don't even know what to classify this as. Oh and remember that I made a blog dedicated to my poetry? If you didn't know, then SEE HERE. That was actually my coping mechanism on this problem. And that blog was made in 2017.

I hope you are doing good. As always, thanks for reading!

Dropping by,