I feel like I've legit killed myself. Not literally... though I felt like I'm slowly dying by my own actions.

I fucked up my FYP. There I've said it. 

I feel like I haven't expressed HOW EXACTLY BAD I DID. I've been telling everyone it just wasn't good but deep down... I've never meant smtg as much as literal like this. As much as it breaks my hope and as much as I've tried, I just couldn't bring myself to deliver my best.

Honestly, lately I feel like my emotions are at its worst. Everyday I feel myself hating myself for hating someone I shouldn't. I feel like I'm being too ungrateful BUT I can't help but feeling wronged. It became worse when people are having it better. I think this is one toughest issue for me to overcome - being genuinely happy for others. 

FYP was just another episode of my performance for 'Korean Speech Competition'. I practiced every single night, memorised, recorded myself, understand what I wanted to say... but I just wasn't meant to win. Not even win, in fact to even perform my best. Ok fine, I've accepted that. But I still can't bring myself to watch my own performance. It still didn't feel like it was worth watching. Even if I could learn and improve from it. I HATED EVERY MOMENT OF ME BEING ON STAGE.

I admitted I've procrastinated my FYP. I envisioned how I wanted it to happen and it felt like it was coming together smoothly as I was picturing things. Then once I've started, I couldn't believe how much I dreaded the process. I wanted to avoid meeting with my supervisor because I felt very much forced. It's not like I hated coding, I genuinely don't. I don't know why (I wished I knew) but I just wasn't feeling my best. Felt like shit even before presenting - the same feeling I had with the speech competition. I love what I'm doing... but that's the thing, I don't know WHAT'S WRONG????

I feel like I'm losing hope. Hope for myself to be any better. 

For now, I don't wanna hear any of these two things - happy stories and complains. Oh and one more thing, still can't bring myself to tell anyone because I feel like unhappiness is the least thing people wanna hear amongst all of the happy ones.

On the bright side, I learnt new things. I learnt new vocabs during the speech and new codings too. So I guess I did gain some but not so sure about the losing part.