I think I'm slowly breathing in my positive self back. I don't think this would remain forever but at least for now, I've faced the cause and I'm so ready to move on.

        Just that I wish my 2 weeks break would pass by slowly cos this moment is honestly the most sorted my life has been in a while. Right now it felt like I'm taking a short rest while climbing up a summit - somewhat relaxing but I know the journey must soon go on. Funny that I don't really feel like hiking right now.

        The biggest struggle that I've bottled up for several years now has actually been... my friendship (think I've mentioned it before). Just the way we both change and not check-up on our changes got me feeling distant. Year after year, these feelings grew instead of going away.

        I always thought if I let it pass me by, I would be alright. Somehow we never really open up about things that bothered us and that was sensitive to us. When we share stories, our focus has always been about how our life generally has been and less about how WE (read: our relationship) have been.

        Not realising each other's shift in personality and point-of-views has been the biggest loophole in our friendship. 

        After I finally exploded, there was no other option than to come out. Come out to the one I believe to be the cause of my unhappiness and restlessness. I kid you not, it was daunting. 

        Opening up is not easy. The nicer people are to you, the harder it gets. The more you feel like your feelings are a mistake. But I'm here to tell you, the nicer people are to you, the more they are able to see your true intention especially when it's your own friend who you genuinely care for and who feels the same towards you. It was at that moment that I understood my feelings were indeed valid - even when it didn't feel like it.

        For the longest time we were stuck with our high school selves, so we had A LOT of presumptions on our grown up selves. It gets somewhat hard to pinpoint cos we tend to overlook every little thing that should've mattered to us. We didn't talk about it cos were so scared that this matter would be sensitive and that it would hurt us... that we obliviously hurt each other in the process. Sounds cliche, no joke there, but the more we tryna be cautious, the more it backfired. I have no explanation for the logic there, but that was what happened to us.

        Tackling what causes it became easier once we check back on our personality differences and love languages. We learnt more about our reasons and got a better direct understanding of each other just by laying out our negative presumptions. Explaining ourselves word-by-word is a lot more helpful in our case than to assume what we thought or would think. Like we changed so much from within, that assuming things can no longer be valid moving forward.

        A lot of my concerns were immediately resolved when I heard direct explanations instead of me self-concluding everything in my head. From our convo, I do overthink a lot over small matters. It's so scary how a small difference in POV could make me feel like true shit if I didn't hear an explanation behind those thoughts. I would literally think that we aren't compatible at all by like one small difference. That is me just being overthinking and stressed about everything, but knowing that and letting her know that too, has really make me feel more relax and assured.

        So, that is all about this part of my concern. I truly hope I can be more true to myself and the people around me. I know there's still a lot more unsettled things cos well I don't just have one friend but I'm glad the biggest one is over.

Thank you so much for reading. Have a good day ahead ❤️️

Dropping by,