In between start and end

2016.

The year I went to my first KPop concert. And that happened about 2 years after stanning EXO. At that time, it was EXO'luXion.

Greetings from an office girl who's eating her tuna sandwich when everybody's out for lunch. Hashtag takretisocial.

Started my first day of intern the day before before yesterday (25/6) and today's the fourth. Fun fun fun. No. Well the place is nice. Small but not too boring. A different environment. Everyone here mostly brings own laptops. It's a non-bumiputera company meaning many of them aren't Malay. Malay is such a minority that the surau is literally made up of 2 cupboards forming an 'L-shape' against the wall just so it can fit a sejadah. Told my mum bout it and she told me, "Kira baik lagi la ada 'surau' kat your kind of company. Most companies like that takde pun surau tau."

K ma.

They have a pantry. Got oven, fridge, coffee machine and all we can take for free. Haa makan la makan banyak-banyak time kerja. Pastu jangan gi tandas asyik buang air jerr *points finger at self*.

Gladly, they have a lot of interns here... surprisingly. It's a small company so all departments are basically breathing the same air. But the place isn't square so we can't really observe everyone. There is a girl I like to look at though. She is a graphic design intern and like my graphic designer friend, her vibes is truly similar. The way she dress, the fact she owns a Macbook and a Kanken and just her presence in general. I'm just interested on how graphic designers work... It seems really cool.

Unlike me, an IT-but-soon-to-be-a-marketing intern who have to perform data entry and be a true office worker. I like the fact I get to run away from coding and the IT part I used to see a lot in uni. I get to learn marketing stuff now. Very interesting in my perspective. Yea ofc I would like to learn more on coding but tbh, I kinda wanna take that slow and not hurt my pea brain so much during this 10 weeks of my sem break.

On the bright side, I get to do lots and lots of research which is also what I am good at. My whole experience of landing the job was to do exactly that anyway. Customising each and every resume to fit the applied company and later learning about them for the interview. Sokay gurl, I got this.

Also, knowing more about the platforms this company use and at the same time be more knowledgeable in the current technological growth. My supervisor is fairly nice but she is always busy so she asked another person to handle me whenever she couldn't. So technically I got 2 supervisors, which can be confusing at first since I have to ensure both parties are aware of what I'm doing.

Everything else is nice. So far, I like this kind of working life. Definitely different from my other part time jobs which require loads of labour work and social interaction smh. 

I'm now stressing on a little bit of researching and calling people up, but still fairly simple tasks. Next week I'll be shifting to other more research task so hopefully it gets interesting. Also, I was told my company is having a campaign in August and since I'll be here til then who knows maybe I'll also be involved in a REAL office project?! Later, if it turns out great I can include it in my resume as well... maybe? Hopefully, insyaAllah.

Dropping by,

Melynn.

On an end note, here's a toilet notice I read after dropping my bomb in that particular toilet.

Greetings from my hospital bed.

Note: I started writing this post the night I got admitted, but got lazy to finish the post right after so I ended continuing it much later.

Let me just explain briefly on what happened to me recently. Initially, I was probably in the same situation as few of those people who's immune system deteriorate over the last teenage years... I got sick. It started with the usual fever and just the feeling of dying. I didn't wanna get out of bed, but that happens all the time so I assumed it was not a big deal.

3 days before my first final paper - the 28th of May, I came home from our 3am study session with a sudden ear disturbance. Since I've spent the whole night "studying" at my faculty, I was ready to sleep when I got home. But I couldn't. My fever spiked up that morning but that wasn't the worse case, I woke up with a sudden (and horrible) ear pain. The pain was no joke. It literally felt like a stone was pushed into my ear. Rolled on the bed like mad, balled my eyes out until I cannot anymore, Google search and only to find people who can relate to my pain on YouTube yet gave advices I couldn't use, asked my housemates for tea tree oil since people on the internet told me it would work but no one had it so boohoo, placed a heating pad on my ear to shift the pain onto the heat and those are just the few struggles from a bird's eye view.

Sometime around noon, my ears suddenly excrete what happened to be blood. So I ended up with a bloody ear. Ok probably not that extreme, there was blood but slightly watery. Then a real bad headache followed. You know the feeling of seeing the world spinning? Yeah exactly that feeling suffering.

Cut to the chase, I went to the clinic and was prescribed some antibiotic and paracetamol along with an ear drop. Shoutout to Ikha and Yumi for going through all that trouble finding a clinic and sticking through (I know you read this Yuan Min). I just needed to survive the finals week with those prescription before I get a proper checkup at a hospital in my home state.

Finals went by pretty unharmed, though I had trouble listening when people are on my right side talking (since the pain is in my right ear) and whenever someone talks through a microphone, I wished people could just skip the announcements altogether. It was that bothersome. Other than that, no further pain was encountered. Alhamdulillah.

I reached home, told my parents everything I went through in detail and the next day my mum booked a hospital appointment for me. Since we suspected it was an ear infection, going to a physician won't settle things and it was definitely meant for a specialist consultation. Previously, I actually had an ear infection back in 2012. Coincidentally, my mum found the same doctor who did the procedure for my ear back then as she was booking for an appointment in a different hospital. It was like deja-vu. Just in a different time, at a different place.

That doctor told me I had a mucus in my middle ear and it's currently stuck so it couldn't get out the natural way. That thing isn't hardened, it just remain sticky inside. People call it 'glue ear'. Technically, it is behind my eardrum and that was what caused my slight deafness. We found out I had about 30% hearing loss on my right ear because of this (after going through some tests). Usually caused by flu and when it is not treated properly it could end up in the ear since the canals are pretty much connected with the nose. It is more common in children. The doctor said 5% of children usually get this and lol guys, I'm practically called a child.

Also,

Wrong body ke apa /sweat

I ended up agreeing to do a simple procedure of inserting what the doctor called 'gromet' which basically is a tiny hole that allows additional air to aid with the ventilation inside my ear. I got myself admitted due to some circumstances but most of the time, this procedure don't even need the patient to go through admission and could just go under daycare. 

Anyhow, I did get admitted. And let me tell you, this hospital is lowkey a hotel. It's a private hospital currently known as Avisena Specialist Hospital, but previously known as Darul Ehsan Medical Centre (DEMC). From the front desk to the hospital room, yo this place is really out of the usual. They got a freaking bell boy to bring us to the room. How fancy is that?

Not to mention, they're very Muslim-friendly and have one of the best hospital services I've ever seen. The costs too are pretty reasonable for a private service.

The procedure went well and I'm still currently on medication - some pills, ear drop and nasal spray. But I'm all good. My ear is getting better. I am able to hear close to my normal hearing. I still hear some echos but I'm pretty sure it'll get better.

Throughout this whole experience, I honestly had that "I think I'm going deaf" thought. I thought that I might need a hearing aid for real. And maybe put all my sign language knowledge to good use lol.

Due to this, I actually got a gist of what hearing loss felt like and it happened to be very annoying. Imagine able to clearly see someone talking right in front of me but I could barely hear what that person says, then constantly having to ask them to repeat. That really annoys me just as much on top of feeling really sorry. Plus, noises tend to sound louder. Like the noises really overpower the entire space so I hate noisy people even more because of it. Though aku pun bising gak sebenarnya.

That pretty much sums up my whole experience. Stay healthy people. Hospital bills aren't cheap!

Hella nervous for this.

"Band Achieved: 4"

Dropping by,
Melynn.

I guess you can say I got lucky again.

I made it into another competition. This time, forget about making videos. I got enough of that. I still feel like a noob in all this video production thingy. Especially after seeing my friends producing better videos for class projects after I've won. Insecurity at its best.

I shifted. It's now a speech competition WITH A TWIST. The competition name is "Lomba Pidato dan Bercerita dalam Bahasa Indonesia bagi Penutur Asing". Yes, that means I gotta speak Indonesian lol.

Briefly there's 2 categories for this - pidato and bercerita. Pidato has "Unity in Diversity" as its topic while bercerita has "Indonesian Folklore" as its theme. I chose bercerita (storytelling). 

There's 2 stages to get through. First one is semi-final. Among everyone who participated (which this year I think is around 30 in total), only 10 will proceed to become the finalists. Semi-final took place in Sekolah Indonesia Kuala Lumpur on the 28th of April 2018. For those who cannot make it physically, we are given an option to send in a video. I did the latter. 

Long story short, here's a google drive link to the video if you are interested in watching me for semi-final; https://drive.google.com/file/d/13OGFC-8eUfKCTeku7uk8hk_zE8A500K0/view?usp=sharing 

P.s. If you wonder why the audio is rubbish, it's because I recorded with the fan on and kinda ruined the whole thing. So I tried edited out the fan sound and increase my voice pitch, only to hear the sinking voice of mine. Sorry.

Final
For my experience in final, it's a very valuable opportunity. Why? Because firstly, it's held in Universiti Utara Malaysia (UUM), Kedah. That's like the getaway I was hoping for. I wanted it to be as far as it could possibly be and this is like a wish come true. Secondly, my family are sending me there instead of me taking the bus along with the rest of the finalists. I personally am glad my parents decided to make this sacrifice as I don't think I'm able to handle going off for a competition like this on my own. 

The final is on 6th of May which is a Sunday, a.k.a a week after the semi-final. We are required to change the story to a different one. To me personally, it's a torture. If you've read the previous post - Memorising. It's partly about this competition. And to my surprise, I'm not suffering it alone. The time given was way to short for any of us finalists to not worry about the script. Up until the performance time, it's considered great if you are not bringing a script up to the stage. Because most finalists did. Thankfully by that time, I didn't feel the need to bring it along.

I practiced day and night for days before this competition. My worry for it was reaching the roof. Somehow it's very difficult to memorise the script and come up with dramatic gestures at the same time.

My dad uploaded the video on YouTube, so you can see it for yourself. BUT don't put your hopes too high lol; https://youtu.be/2yx6SgHFZz8

I couldn't bear watching it cos I think I did so badly. My gestures were lacking. My speech was too fast. Overall, I was just really nervous. Plus, my dad's camera zooming is really a bother. 

But from my point of view during the performance, I actually felt great. It was really the best walk-through I've ever done. Even during practice I could never really get through without a forgotten part. But during final, I did. The hall was really quiet but everyone was seen to be paying attention to me. Which is what I like because it made me feel more encouraged to move on with the story. One of the VIP was smiling at me and there's a lady at the side who actually chuckled at my words. Truly, that's all that matters. 

They may be looking at me because my clothes were really something. Cough horrible cough. But who cares, at least it made my mum happy bcos she decided it for me.

Before my performance, one of the storytelling finalist - Shakif, did his performance of Bawang Merah and Bawang Putih. He was SOOO GOOD. Forget about him going wayy past the time limit, he was very talented in acting and funny. I'm glad he won the trip to Indonesia. At that point during the announcement, I'm just glad I won something. It's better to lose over someone who's obviously better than to win when you know people won't think you deserve it as much.

I did wanted to win a trip to Indonesia or any country for that matter initially. It's just a feeling of really wanting to be in a different country at the moment. Hoped for Korea but earliest for that to happen would probably be next year (insyaAllah). But along the competition period, the feeling of winning kinda faded(?) as if winning the trip doesn't matter much to me anymore. Just figured I should just enjoy and have fun while I'm at it. Partly because I didn't want the trip to clash with my internship (which I have yet to be accepted for, unfortunately). Though not gonna lie, winning 2nd place is a thing to be highly grateful for nevertheless.

Me on the middle row to the right. Storytelling winner Shakif is the one right behind me.

All the finalists were good and really friendly. Thanks for the good time, guys!

My other prize "cheque"!!

If I'm being honest, I hated what I wore smh tapi #mamapilih.

As always being in a competition will always teach me something. Truth is, what I really wanted isn't just money... I prefer getting the acknowledgement... for being good at something... from dem few people.

Also, this news wasn't updated on my insta bcos I uninstalled the app on my phone. I'd re-install it whenever I feel like it later. Probably after Raya.


Dropping by,
Melynn.

Never have I ever thought that memorising anything can be so hard. And believe it or not, most times our intelligent is measured based on how much we remember things. The more you memorise for an exam, the higher your score gets. The better you memorise, the further you get in academic-based competitions.

It made me think how unfair it would've been for someone who couldn't memorise things well. For me, even though I'm like a Dory, it would roughly take me a week to memorise something by heart. But I'm not complaining cos someone else may even take longer (I hope lol).

Memorising may take a minimum of 2 days and a maximum of 7, if I repeat it everyday. But what is worse is how much my energy is drained after doing so. Memorising a script takes way more energy than it seems. For someone who always make sure to say things exactly as it is in the script, it gets more frustrating.

Also the fact that moving on to doing other activity is so hard once you get yourself to memorise something bcos you would barely have energy left. Brain power is really everything.

But that moment when you finally get over it and went through the entire script, it really feels like the best achievement ever. Because only then will you be able to pour your soul and emotion into what you are saying. Which also makes me think, making your own script is really the best way for you to memorise better.

How you write is how you usually would say. Rewriting a story yourself is like putting your own voice into the story even though it had been repeatedly told. If you think about it, you kinda get your own freedom if you write what you say. At the end of the day, when you are delivering your message, no one will know the things you didn't say. What you give is what they get. Frustrating, maybe but a tiny flaw won't ruin an entire speech.

I guess this is why I can't be an actress. Besides the fact, I have bad skin condition and won't pass any casting anyway. I envy how actors and actresses do this daily as their job. Memorising seems like a small part of the whole acting, but it's really not the easiest. If it is, life would be too fair.

Nevertheless, memorising things and performing it really brings satisfaction. I guess that's why I keep doing it even though it hurts. Pain is temporary, they say. The outcome however is like a blessing in disguise.

Today the feeling explode. A dissatisfaction. A harshful unintended remark. 

I'm honestly worried I too may be the cause of someone else's heartbreak. In a friendly way.

Back in 2010, I had a taste of a broken friendship. Tbh, it didn't hurt me much... but it was because we were already distanced and I had a bunch more friends to make me feel somewhat secure. In 2011, I faced another cracked friendship. I was not too pleased but I didn't regret it. That friendship is still one I value until today. In 2013, the friend I seemed to be close with didn't feel close to me at all and I bet she felt the same way too. Since then, the one best friend I ada sekarang tu je la yang lekat paling lama.

After high school days, I had another broken friendship which happened last year. I can still recall how much I cried pondering about it. When I started sensing something wrong between us, I used to cry myself to sleep thinking what can I do to fix it. We were both angry but didn't know how to resolve it. And just struggling to survive every day with her because the thought of us ending used to fear me. We used to be so close and I had no one else I could depend on.

Just so happen that during this time, I had a program in Perlis so I got to escaped from her for 2-3 days. I sat in the bus alone because the small amount of people who went all were already sitting in pair. All I could remember is that the feeling of sadness were all over me. On our trip home, I plugged my earphone and blast a song (in repeat)... so loudly I couldn't hear my own cry. That song now gave me a feeling of both despair and happiness because it's a song I find comfort in at that period of my life. It's Ribbon by BEAST. 

The story behind that song suits my situation like a piece of puzzle that fits. It was such a right song for the right time. There's a line in that song that is indeed true;

"I could say nothing, so I couldn't hold you"

I think this is where it all crumbles. I just don't express myself when I'm annoyed or when I'm dissatisfied because it's hard and I don't know how. 

But when I did try putting my thoughts across in a letter. I failed. 

After that incident, my friendship right now feels unstable. I had the thought that it's maybe karma lol but it's probably just us. I became much more afraid expressing myself. Like what is the 'too much' that I shouldn't share?

But it's true that the burden in my heart feels heavier because there is nowhere I felt safe enough to open up. 

And now... today... it's dejavu. My emotions were triggered and I tried burying it all in but it only resulted in me shoving the middle finger to my friend. But not the friend I was mad at. 

Now I just woke up from a bad headache after crying so hard. 

The similarity to then and now is that there's a song I am digging now too. It's called Just Another Boy by Team B (iKon minus Chanwoo). It's about being single. And there's a couple of witty lines I like;

"Eodi ga?! Weroptanikka! (Where you going?! I said I'm lonely!)" - B.I itu Hanbin itu witty master. Takde dalam lirik pun, but the live show ada and sounds nice lol

"Anim amuna yeollakhae nahante, namja ppaego (Or anyone can call me, except for guys)"

"I don't care nah I care. Jjaksarang do joheunde (One-sided love is fine too)" 

I should stop associating nice songs to sad and depressing life matters.

One day, I just feel like going on a trip to a place I never been to, alone and just walk around aimlessly. I just gotta figure what state and when. KL and Melaka is getting so boring and stressful to be in. I want to go to a foreign country /floor

Amelynn if you're reading this a year or two later down the road, I hope you aren't going through another broken ship.

Back then, I had a trauma with... interview. 

It's a silly trauma but it's one thing to take note.

Back in 2010 (I think), I wanted to go to a boarding school so badly. My only aim was to "run away from home" because I hated living with my naggy mum. And my mum also encourages me to go to MRSM and I thought that'll be great. I didn't know where to apply and why should I, other than the fact that I wanted to escape. Like that was my only goal.

I got an interview at MRSM Pekan, Pahang. My whole family went there like it was a short vacay. I on the other hand, couldn't sleep all night because I didn't know what to say for the interview. I was worried that I couldn't get in and lose the chance to run away.

Now that I think about it, that must've been the reason why I failed.

I remember the day so well. It was bloody hot and after registering, I was separated from my family to wait at the quarantine room. They had to go to the hall for a briefing. I think I felt really awkward that I didn't even start any conversation with anyone.

When my turn came for the interview, I was seated in front of 2 interviewers. I brought a whole file of certs and put it on the table. I think the thickness of my file would've scared them. It was filled with unnecessary stuff to say the least. The interviewer flipped the first time and ask about the cert. It was a pencapaian cert for koko I think. He asked what I did while I was in that position. At that time, I had to speak in Malay.

But the thing was, aku tak buat apa selama pegang jawatan tu pun. Time tu main tumpang nama je. So what am I supposed to say? I think I had a lot of certs because I joined a lot of events and had a few jawatan here and there, but I didn't know how to elaborate them as it seems very trivial to me. Sekolah rendah kan what do you expect? In the end, I flipped to show a cert for a program I actually had an idea to talk about - standard 6 camp. This is by far my BEST camp experience ever, even until today it still is! 

Even so, I was pretty much quiet during the interview not knowing what to say and even when I do speak, things just came out like a blabber. Once I left, I told my mum how I wish to never sit for an interview ever again in my life. I hated the fact I find it so hard to explain what I've accomplished and put it into structured words. I hated the whole experience.

More to that is the fact that my dad drove all the way to Pahang just to send me for an interview I wasn't even close to getting accepted for. What a shame. 

But 2 days ago, I had to sit for a mock interview to apply for a job. It's part of our English assessment. My friend considered me to be the best among the 5 of us who entered together. When she said that, I remembered how I hated doing interview before but now I have almost no trouble making up something on the spot (with the help of beforehand practice ofc). It felt somewhat like an achievement. Informally, I had a handful of experience and tbh, interviews aren't that bad. It's just like small chat - about you and them. Do some research and some idea on what should you say to suit their needs, then you're good to go. The 'wh' and how rule comes very handy at times like this.

If I have the chance to tell my 12 year-old self, I'd tell her to talk a little more about yourself and to sound a little proud of why you did what you did. Maybe the confidence will take you further.


Dropping by,
Melynn.

Don't prevent yourself from doing smtg just because you're not good. 

I think being in Sri Aman taught me that. Everyone is filled with positive vibe and so much encouragement which has help the students to do well in many things! That's what makes Sri Aman so great. We don't limit ourselves. And everyone must be good at something. It's really the best place for me to discover my own talents as well as everyone else's.

I'm saying this because a lot of time now I find myself seeking people's approval. I know I shouldn't and even if so, I should always take it with a grain of salt. But I realised, it's a problem ever since I left Sri Aman. It's hard to hear my own voice that has not been influence by other people. It's like I no longer have a stand. 

I don't know whether this is a growing up thing or it's just an environment thing. Something clear to me is that, it's not coming from myself. Something tells me it's the latter.

A huge different that I can sense is the people in Sri Aman, we don't envy each other so much. We salute people for being so great at something and support them wholeheartedly as friends. There was never once I felt threaten when I see my friend being so good at something I wish I was good at. In fact, they make me feel inspired and made me believe that I can be just as good. 

Now, I constantly feel like I'm being looked down upon. Like trying to be different is such a taboo. Trying something out of the norm is probably seen as too much. What we have in-common is a thing to be proud of. I wonder when will this kind of judgement change. Accepting that different opinion is good too. 

Being in university and college is such a big opportunity as it is. I am more than blessed to be here. But it's sad how many people are taking it for granted.

Many opportunities slide in when we are a student and I can't believe how most things meant for students get the least response. But it kinda makes me glad considering the chances increase when there's a low number of participation involved. 

However, I still hope people (myself) would be less discouraged because of others. Sometimes you just gotta hear your own free thought without anyone else's to make a decision for yourself. And I think that's why being in a big group kinda sucks.

All my life, the one thing I hate the most and is pretty clear to me that it's a common hate, is the fact that I'm being judged. 

I guess that's why I don't like saying upfront the things people do that annoy me. I'm afraid they'll think I'm judging them, because personally, I really really hate that.

When people are saying I'm not 'me' just because I was feeling a bit different... Like what do you mean? Am I so much of an open book that when you see a plot twist it became such a big deal? My point is... who are you to be pointing out the difference in me? Even my mum doesn't do that. 

Do you know how cautious I tend to become every time I hear these type of comments?? I overthink ok, I overthink. 

Whenever I showed signs of change within me, I'd like it if people don't treat me differently - whether for the better or the worse. Instead, I'd appreciate it if I bring it up myself whenever I feel like it. There are just some things about people whether it's you or me that we are not comfortable talking about, and the only thing we can do for each other is respect that. It doesn't matter whether it's among friends or family because different people are simply different and there will always gonna be lines that we cannot cross.

People change and sometimes I just unknowingly felt like trying something new. Like what is so "shocking" about that? If you should know any better, new thing excites me and I'm always gonna be up for a challenge. It's just a matter of me wanting it or not. Your approval would be the least thing I wanted to hear.

#sorrynotsorry