Today the feeling explode. A dissatisfaction. A harshful unintended remark. 

I'm honestly worried I too may be the cause of someone else's heartbreak. In a friendly way.

Back in 2010, I had a taste of a broken friendship. Tbh, it didn't hurt me much... but it was because we were already distanced and I had a bunch more friends to make me feel somewhat secure. In 2011, I faced another cracked friendship. I was not too pleased but I didn't regret it. That friendship is still one I value until today. In 2013, the friend I seemed to be close with didn't feel close to me at all and I bet she felt the same way too. Since then, the one best friend I ada sekarang tu je la yang lekat paling lama.

After high school days, I had another broken friendship which happened last year. I can still recall how much I cried pondering about it. When I started sensing something wrong between us, I used to cry myself to sleep thinking what can I do to fix it. We were both angry but didn't know how to resolve it. And just struggling to survive every day with her because the thought of us ending used to fear me. We used to be so close and I had no one else I could depend on.

Just so happen that during this time, I had a program in Perlis so I got to escaped from her for 2-3 days. I sat in the bus alone because the small amount of people who went all were already sitting in pair. All I could remember is that the feeling of sadness were all over me. On our trip home, I plugged my earphone and blast a song (in repeat)... so loudly I couldn't hear my own cry. That song now gave me a feeling of both despair and happiness because it's a song I find comfort in at that period of my life. It's Ribbon by BEAST. 

The story behind that song suits my situation like a piece of puzzle that fits. It was such a right song for the right time. There's a line in that song that is indeed true;

"I could say nothing, so I couldn't hold you"

I think this is where it all crumbles. I just don't express myself when I'm annoyed or when I'm dissatisfied because it's hard and I don't know how. 

But when I did try putting my thoughts across in a letter. I failed. 

After that incident, my friendship right now feels unstable. I had the thought that it's maybe karma lol but it's probably just us. I became much more afraid expressing myself. Like what is the 'too much' that I shouldn't share?

But it's true that the burden in my heart feels heavier because there is nowhere I felt safe enough to open up. 

And now... today... it's dejavu. My emotions were triggered and I tried burying it all in but it only resulted in me shoving the middle finger to my friend. But not the friend I was mad at. 

Now I just woke up from a bad headache after crying so hard. 

The similarity to then and now is that there's a song I am digging now too. It's called Just Another Boy by Team B (iKon minus Chanwoo). It's about being single. And there's a couple of witty lines I like;

"Eodi ga?! Weroptanikka! (Where you going?! I said I'm lonely!)" - B.I itu Hanbin itu witty master. Takde dalam lirik pun, but the live show ada and sounds nice lol

"Anim amuna yeollakhae nahante, namja ppaego (Or anyone can call me, except for guys)"

"I don't care nah I care. Jjaksarang do joheunde (One-sided love is fine too)" 

I should stop associating nice songs to sad and depressing life matters.

One day, I just feel like going on a trip to a place I never been to, alone and just walk around aimlessly. I just gotta figure what state and when. KL and Melaka is getting so boring and stressful to be in. I want to go to a foreign country /floor

Amelynn if you're reading this a year or two later down the road, I hope you aren't going through another broken ship.