In between start and end

Today the feeling explode. A dissatisfaction. A harshful unintended remark. 

I'm honestly worried I too may be the cause of someone else's heartbreak. In a friendly way.

Back in 2010, I had a taste of a broken friendship. Tbh, it didn't hurt me much... but it was because we were already distanced and I had a bunch more friends to make me feel somewhat secure. In 2011, I faced another cracked friendship. I was not too pleased but I didn't regret it. That friendship is still one I value until today. In 2013, the friend I seemed to be close with didn't feel close to me at all and I bet she felt the same way too. Since then, the one best friend I ada sekarang tu je la yang lekat paling lama.

After high school days, I had another broken friendship which happened last year. I can still recall how much I cried pondering about it. When I started sensing something wrong between us, I used to cry myself to sleep thinking what can I do to fix it. We were both angry but didn't know how to resolve it. And just struggling to survive every day with her because the thought of us ending used to fear me. We used to be so close and I had no one else I could depend on.

Just so happen that during this time, I had a program in Perlis so I got to escaped from her for 2-3 days. I sat in the bus alone because the small amount of people who went all were already sitting in pair. All I could remember is that the feeling of sadness were all over me. On our trip home, I plugged my earphone and blast a song (in repeat)... so loudly I couldn't hear my own cry. That song now gave me a feeling of both despair and happiness because it's a song I find comfort in at that period of my life. It's Ribbon by BEAST. 

The story behind that song suits my situation like a piece of puzzle that fits. It was such a right song for the right time. There's a line in that song that is indeed true;

"I could say nothing, so I couldn't hold you"

I think this is where it all crumbles. I just don't express myself when I'm annoyed or when I'm dissatisfied because it's hard and I don't know how. 

But when I did try putting my thoughts across in a letter. I failed. 

After that incident, my friendship right now feels unstable. I had the thought that it's maybe karma lol but it's probably just us. I became much more afraid expressing myself. Like what is the 'too much' that I shouldn't share?

But it's true that the burden in my heart feels heavier because there is nowhere I felt safe enough to open up. 

And now... today... it's dejavu. My emotions were triggered and I tried burying it all in but it only resulted in me shoving the middle finger to my friend. But not the friend I was mad at. 

Now I just woke up from a bad headache after crying so hard. 

The similarity to then and now is that there's a song I am digging now too. It's called Just Another Boy by Team B (iKon minus Chanwoo). It's about being single. And there's a couple of witty lines I like;

"Eodi ga?! Weroptanikka! (Where you going?! I said I'm lonely!)" - B.I itu Hanbin itu witty master. Takde dalam lirik pun, but the live show ada and sounds nice lol

"Anim amuna yeollakhae nahante, namja ppaego (Or anyone can call me, except for guys)"

"I don't care nah I care. Jjaksarang do joheunde (One-sided love is fine too)" 

I should stop associating nice songs to sad and depressing life matters.

One day, I just feel like going on a trip to a place I never been to, alone and just walk around aimlessly. I just gotta figure what state and when. KL and Melaka is getting so boring and stressful to be in. I want to go to a foreign country /floor

Amelynn if you're reading this a year or two later down the road, I hope you aren't going through another broken ship.

Back then, I had a trauma with... interview. 

It's a silly trauma but it's one thing to take note.

Back in 2010 (I think), I wanted to go to a boarding school so badly. My only aim was to "run away from home" because I hated living with my naggy mum. And my mum also encourages me to go to MRSM and I thought that'll be great. I didn't know where to apply and why should I, other than the fact that I wanted to escape. Like that was my only goal.

I got an interview at MRSM Pekan, Pahang. My whole family went there like it was a short vacay. I on the other hand, couldn't sleep all night because I didn't know what to say for the interview. I was worried that I couldn't get in and lose the chance to run away.

Now that I think about it, that must've been the reason why I failed.

I remember the day so well. It was bloody hot and after registering, I was separated from my family to wait at the quarantine room. They had to go to the hall for a briefing. I think I felt really awkward that I didn't even start any conversation with anyone.

When my turn came for the interview, I was seated in front of 2 interviewers. I brought a whole file of certs and put it on the table. I think the thickness of my file would've scared them. It was filled with unnecessary stuff to say the least. The interviewer flipped the first time and ask about the cert. It was a pencapaian cert for koko I think. He asked what I did while I was in that position. At that time, I had to speak in Malay.

But the thing was, aku tak buat apa selama pegang jawatan tu pun. Time tu main tumpang nama je. So what am I supposed to say? I think I had a lot of certs because I joined a lot of events and had a few jawatan here and there, but I didn't know how to elaborate them as it seems very trivial to me. Sekolah rendah kan what do you expect? In the end, I flipped to show a cert for a program I actually had an idea to talk about - standard 6 camp. This is by far my BEST camp experience ever, even until today it still is! 

Even so, I was pretty much quiet during the interview not knowing what to say and even when I do speak, things just came out like a blabber. Once I left, I told my mum how I wish to never sit for an interview ever again in my life. I hated the fact I find it so hard to explain what I've accomplished and put it into structured words. I hated the whole experience.

More to that is the fact that my dad drove all the way to Pahang just to send me for an interview I wasn't even close to getting accepted for. What a shame. 

But 2 days ago, I had to sit for a mock interview to apply for a job. It's part of our English assessment. My friend considered me to be the best among the 5 of us who entered together. When she said that, I remembered how I hated doing interview before but now I have almost no trouble making up something on the spot (with the help of beforehand practice ofc). It felt somewhat like an achievement. Informally, I had a handful of experience and tbh, interviews aren't that bad. It's just like small chat - about you and them. Do some research and some idea on what should you say to suit their needs, then you're good to go. The 'wh' and how rule comes very handy at times like this.

If I have the chance to tell my 12 year-old self, I'd tell her to talk a little more about yourself and to sound a little proud of why you did what you did. Maybe the confidence will take you further.


Dropping by,
Melynn.

Don't prevent yourself from doing smtg just because you're not good. 

I think being in Sri Aman taught me that. Everyone is filled with positive vibe and so much encouragement which has help the students to do well in many things! That's what makes Sri Aman so great. We don't limit ourselves. And everyone must be good at something. It's really the best place for me to discover my own talents as well as everyone else's.

I'm saying this because a lot of time now I find myself seeking people's approval. I know I shouldn't and even if so, I should always take it with a grain of salt. But I realised, it's a problem ever since I left Sri Aman. It's hard to hear my own voice that has not been influence by other people. It's like I no longer have a stand. 

I don't know whether this is a growing up thing or it's just an environment thing. Something clear to me is that, it's not coming from myself. Something tells me it's the latter.

A huge different that I can sense is the people in Sri Aman, we don't envy each other so much. We salute people for being so great at something and support them wholeheartedly as friends. There was never once I felt threaten when I see my friend being so good at something I wish I was good at. In fact, they make me feel inspired and made me believe that I can be just as good. 

Now, I constantly feel like I'm being looked down upon. Like trying to be different is such a taboo. Trying something out of the norm is probably seen as too much. What we have in-common is a thing to be proud of. I wonder when will this kind of judgement change. Accepting that different opinion is good too. 

Being in university and college is such a big opportunity as it is. I am more than blessed to be here. But it's sad how many people are taking it for granted.

Many opportunities slide in when we are a student and I can't believe how most things meant for students get the least response. But it kinda makes me glad considering the chances increase when there's a low number of participation involved. 

However, I still hope people (myself) would be less discouraged because of others. Sometimes you just gotta hear your own free thought without anyone else's to make a decision for yourself. And I think that's why being in a big group kinda sucks.

All my life, the one thing I hate the most and is pretty clear to me that it's a common hate, is the fact that I'm being judged. 

I guess that's why I don't like saying upfront the things people do that annoy me. I'm afraid they'll think I'm judging them, because personally, I really really hate that.

When people are saying I'm not 'me' just because I was feeling a bit different... Like what do you mean? Am I so much of an open book that when you see a plot twist it became such a big deal? My point is... who are you to be pointing out the difference in me? Even my mum doesn't do that. 

Do you know how cautious I tend to become every time I hear these type of comments?? I overthink ok, I overthink. 

Whenever I showed signs of change within me, I'd like it if people don't treat me differently - whether for the better or the worse. Instead, I'd appreciate it if I bring it up myself whenever I feel like it. There are just some things about people whether it's you or me that we are not comfortable talking about, and the only thing we can do for each other is respect that. It doesn't matter whether it's among friends or family because different people are simply different and there will always gonna be lines that we cannot cross.

People change and sometimes I just unknowingly felt like trying something new. Like what is so "shocking" about that? If you should know any better, new thing excites me and I'm always gonna be up for a challenge. It's just a matter of me wanting it or not. Your approval would be the least thing I wanted to hear.

#sorrynotsorry

I watch dramas for many reasons, one drama after another one and the cycle barely stopped. And after so long that it made me see that these dramas aren't just for pleasure of simply watching people's love life and their struggles. Which I gotta admit, those alone are already entertaining to watch.

More to that is the appreciation for not just the acting but also the script writing, the cinematography and also the editing that creates these masterpiece.

My kind of drama is the romance, comedy and melo type. Recently, I've came across wonderful real-life dramas that made me appreciate life a little more. There's 3 on my list - Just Between Lovers, Because This Is My First Life and Go Back Couple. These dramas reflect my entire taste in Kdrama tbh. FYI, they are in chronological state of my watchlist with Go Back Couple being my latest watched drama. I also provided random screenshots of the dramas below so check it out!

What I'm tryna share is basically the kind of things I am appreciating by giving examples out of these dramas, starting with Just Between Lovers. If I were to describe this drama in 3 words it would be, "traumatized puppy love". It's because the whole story is about their trauma of the same incident (sound cliche af), but yknow life is all about the process and character development so that's what makes it so wonderful. They portray the kind of innocent love of these 2 young potatoes and delivers the sincerest yet most passionate feeling that you may want to experience yourself bcos it is so pure.

It's when I realise the strongest kind of people aren't always born that way. We are all born weak and only trials in life can strengthen us. Also depression comes in many forms, and just because they seem to have it easier doesn't mean it is. Some people struggle to live just another day but others just want to waste their life away, and it's sad by how true it is. Your age don't matter, who you are also don't matter because anyone can get traumatized and depressed. Then when you do, it won't affect just you but also the people you are closest with and you probably won't even have thought it that way.

In my opinion, I neither struggle nor dread each day just as bad but I believe each of us have that dreadfulness sometimes that we can't really help with.

Next, will be Because This Is My First Life. Just wanna lay it out that this drama has a bunch of clicheness but it is still very much pleasable and very funny to watch. It's about a marriage contract between 2 people who strive for different life goals but happened to complete each other's needs. However, the thing that open my eyes most about this drama is about the female lead and her 2 friends who came from the same hometown and school, but later move to Seoul to chase after their dreams. Each one with a different dream.

It's sad how we all have passion on different things during our teenage days and slowly they died off once we work and had to face reality. And people can sometimes just want simple things in life, but it would hardly turn out simple in the end, like getting married and just be happy. I guess there will never be a short-cut in life's or drama's dictionary. But of course, the hardest choice in life is usually the best.

To also make up for the title, most things we do are based on a first time decision so even if you don't end up where you wanted in the beginning, don't always beat yourself up because you may never know where it might take you instead.

Lastly, it would be about Go Back Couple. This drama is the opposite of the previous one, it's about a divorce. A real life lesson thrown by this drama is the importance of communication and the fact that young marriage may not be for everyone. 

Marriage is truly a big thing and settling down does not take its literal meaning seriously, but instead it's the start of a real sacrifice. Your life will no longer become solely yours and sometimes you just need to reminisce the beautiful times to move on with the hardship of life. At the same time, it made me see what a beautiful thing marriage is because you would end up caring for the other person more than you think you ever would. Nobody can know the inside out of you and still tolerate with you the same way your love does, even if it means not crying together but laughing it off instead because you don't want to make them sad, or not telling about your work stress because you know they had it hard enough but eventually it boils down to sharing your sorrow and pain on top of the happiness you had. Of course, divorce is never a good experience for both parties so the reason to everything always matters and finding out the "why"s to everything is always eyeopening for me.

I guess once the focus is no longer for the right person, the whole point of work or marriage won't ever be the same. I may sound like a hypocrite saying this but sometimes telling people what you truly feels is probably the only thing you gotta do.

Dropping by,

Melynn.