I get very sentimental
I just got off a phone call with my mum. Wasn't the best call (or conversation) I've had. It's been awhile since my eyes are as red and sore....
I have no idea what's going on, but I've been relatively quiet lately. I listen to old Disney songs, on top of the HSM playlists I've been jamming through for a couple of months now. I get sensitive over things I used to overlook. Now, I feel like going through puberty again ugh.
All I can say is it's not easy staying sane. Always gotta remind yourself to be ok and don't get too overwhelmed by people. I also can't seem to find comfort by telling people my problems. It's hard to even face the problem as it is, let alone getting criticised for it. See idek what I want exactly.
This is why I don't like being too happy. Because sadness would follow-up not long after.
I always have problems with money.
I always have problems with friends.
I always have problems with the way I dress.
I always have problems with my face.
I always have problems with trust.
But I overlook all those because it hurts... so... bad... to think of something I can hardly do anything about. These problems are bigger than just mere words, obviously.
Imagine worrying every single day about which meal not to eat, because you won't have enough for the week. And at the same time, you can't open up to people because 1) no one cares (not kidding, bcos what can they do) and 2) it's not as easy as you think of not getting embarrassed by it. I am not looking for pity but I'm just giving an overview of my kind of day here in the university. Not many people see that this is what some of us are facing. I bet you, even my parents doesn't know about this.
You must be thinking, don't my parents support me? Here I mean it when I say I'm not rich. My family is average, but life hardly gets easier for us financially. I don't get pocket money every week like most people do. The best thing I can do as a daughter is to ask as little or the least frequent as I can for money.
But I guess it should be better now, because I can finally depend on my school loan. Hopefully.
Imagine sticking to only one friend. We share our lives too much and tolerating isn't as easy with our own ego. Like everybody has their days, but sometimes it's weird because when it's her bad day she can whine to the world. Then when it's my turn, I usually just keep quiet. But people don't see that's how I am and apparently I'm hard to deal with.
Imagine hearing people say "I'll buy you something for your wardrobe" as a saying that my fashion is unbearable. You can buy me anything you please, but even when saying it in a supposing friendly manner, it still delivers the same hurtful message. You never know how much I cherish every hole in my clothes, every shabby looking scarfs I own, they mean a lot to me because that's all I have. So that's how I shall live. I too am guilty that I can't afford everything as trendy as all of my peers. But do you know, how hard I resist for these things? Because my state of life is not suited for these kind of luxury like other people are having.
Imagine having a bumpy and red face throughout your whole secondary school life. I can still smile and be confident because I overlook everything to avoid myself from feeling like it controls me. But when people don't dare to touch your face because of how 'scarred' it looked, yeah... convince me to not feel hurt. But then again, I never said I gave up on changing that. I only meant for people to stop making the wound bigger for me. Please.
Trust is built when you can share deep conversations together. But these conversations never end well whenever I truly say what I mean. Because saying things unfiltered will affect the friendship which are already as shaky as it is, and for me to be totally blunt about everything. It's also not right when your friend is just as unstable as you are to be listening to your problematic point of view.
This has been an emotional ranty post. I probably just miss being home and alone. Or that I am just hungry after only having a single meal today. Anyway if you are feeling down, hope some of my problems cheer you up for making you think you are not alone. Have a blessed day guys!
Dropping by,
Melynn.
3 comments
Heya! Just letting you know that it will get better! All the things you're going through! It sucks at first but in the end, there will be good results, especially to those who are strong!
ReplyDeletemy heart breaks while reading this :( whoever fucked up your self esteem should SEE ME!!!! Biar i ceramah dia!! Like, biar la u nak pakai apa pun eeee siapa cakap macam tu tuuuu!!! I marah ni marah. The way you dress represents you, and you should never feel bad for being you :( Im sorry you have to go thru all those things Amelynn. And, Amelynn tbh I pun rasa benda yang sama, u should see me masa sem khas, baju I majority baju kurung, and you tahu kan i kawan dengan siapa- diorang people from kl, with trendy fashion and all, so I actually changed myself, my fashion just to 'blend in' with them. Walaupun seboleh boleh i cari baju murah tapi nampak mahal HAHAHA. Alright my point is, that's my weakness. Cepat terpengaruh, try hard nak blend in, taknak nampak cam kampung pakai baju kurung je, but your strength, my dear Amelynn is you stayed true to yourself. You boleh tahan dengan those insecurities, you boleh lagi tahan nafsu to not buy things you know you can't afford unlike... me.
ReplyDeleteAnd, amelynn, I'm your number 1 fan for a reason la. You're so talented and you're moooore than just what you are on the outside. Your easy-going-ness, your confidence in joining competition i could never imagine myself have the guts to join in utem, when you voice out your opinion in class, your passion in doing things you love- poetry, dance, stuffs like that yang i sure ramai je lagi minat tapi berapa ramai yang actually cuba macam you? THAT'S YOUR STRENGTH and all of them lies inside of you, that makes you more that what the eyes could see.
Sorry if i dont make sense lol but if semua orang buat u down, pls remember at least one person- that is me, that looks up to you! Ni jujur ikhlas dari hati i tau, walaupun i annoying hahaha tapi ni i serious tau tak tipu punya lorh. I actually can relate w you on lots of things, my family pun average jugak. Duit is 24/7 my concern too. sangat stressful honestly. I'm really proud of you sebab u manage to resist lots of things! Kalau i dah selamat dah terbang duit2 tu hahaha.
I also can relate being the type yang tak suka share problem dengan orang. I guess that's just the ego in me. Taknak orang tahu I'm actually having a problem and at my weakest. I've had my fair share of breakdowns too, banyak kali jugak sebenarnya while dekat utem. Best way for me is to cry, sampai mata bengkak2 hahaha. Good thing is lepas nangis i usually memang lega habis and then successfully get over the stress. But i tak suggest this way la unless you're okay looking like a total shit the next day hahahah.
Anyways, be strong Amelynn kuuu! Remember this quote, no matter how bad your day is, remember it was only 24 hours. And if you manage to get through your bad days before, than you can surely get through another one. Also remember this one, Allah says it twice, "Indeed, with hardship comes ease". So chin up! We don't live to please people :)
Sorry i bebel panjang sangat hahahahahhaa
THIS.. ibarat pengubat hati yang lara tau huhuhu. Thank u so so so so much Ida tersyg ... ayat-ayat jujur ni sgt bermakna sbb finally ada pun org yg memahami lubuk hati ni lol.
DeleteSeboleh-boleh mmg la kita akan terasa nk blend in but bila lelama akan rasa penat... bcos trying to be someone else. I guess kita kena kenal and sedar kita sape dulu, pastu jgn berangan nk mewah je slalu. Ni masalah I gak ahaha. Masalah kawan smua standard tinggi sama, ceni la.
Youuuu truly number 1 fan ah! Thank u for pointing out my strengths tu. Kdg I tak perasan pon that's what ppl see in me and it's always good to hear it out loud. Lega rasa bila ada yg appreciate our hard work.
Nampaknya uni mmg merupakan suatu dugaan emosi. Next time I cry to sleep, I'll remember that u pun pernah join sama. At least tak rasa kesunyian sgt hahaha.
The quotes... I will keep them in mind. For the last time, thank u for the kind and encouraging words, Ida kuuuu!! Bila-bila u nk luahkan hati u, update je ur blog and I shall be there for u too hahahah ok gurau je bab update tu.
Instastory ke... cpt skit I nk respon lol kbye.
Your thoughts are much appreciated! TQ.