Come drop by (Chatbox) YouTube Instagram

In between start and end

🌸 It's not about the ending, it's about the journey through. 🌸

  • Home
  • About Me
  • Contact Me
A long post ahead. An honest conversation from a junior to a senior.

For context, I have worked over a year with this one senior. We have never talked other than work-related but I finally confronted him after our project ended. 

This senior is only a year older than me. So sometimes, it's hard to totally ignore the fact that we're literally around the same age. This conversation was very casual and also filled with laughter here and there but contains heavy and serious topics discussed.

I really wanted to document this conversation as I feel like it's very raw and shows how imperfect the reality is with workplaces. It's also nice to see how we'll move on from here.

---

I started by asking him whether he hates me. He laughed and said "No, why would I hate you?". I told him I hated working with him and that he was very hard to work with. I told him that he was very hard to approach. Throughout the one year I worked with him, I felt very awkward. But he said he didn't feel awkward with me though.

I said I thought he wouldn't talk to me bcos I was a girl. But I saw him talking to other girls just fine so I wondered if it was a me problem. He said "No, it was me". I said I also asked Yeri (ex-senior, bukan nama sebenar) and she said the same thing as me, but Kevin (another ex-senior, bukan nama sebenar) said that u talked to him just fine. So I wondered is it really bcos I was a girl. He found it funny bcos he didn't think he talked to Kevin often as well. Basically, he doesn't really talk to other people.

He told me that he had been told that he was hard to approach before. Bcos when he works, he tends to solely work and ignore the rest of his surrounding. But he have been trying his best to do less of that. He said he's only like that when he works and that he's different outside of work.

He said that I should've just talked to him. I rolled my eyes at him. He wasn't actually being welcoming to say the least. 

I told him that I wished he could've guided me better. When he did code review for me that one or two times, I really appreciated it. I told him I learnt a lot from that. I said that I could even tell that he was pissed from his code review to which he laughed and agreed saying he was. He also said that sometimes when we were in a call, he would get so frustrated that he'd mute himself just to cuss me out. I laughed and told him I do that too lmao.

He admitted that he lacks patience in teaching. He said that it is faster and easier to just do it by himself so that's why he hasn't been teaching us juniors properly. He said he was still learning and improving on that.

He also said that he doesn't see me as a junior but just as a team member. I said, I respect him as a senior. He is smart and I do understand that as someone who is already technically advanced, going back to teach the basics might not be easy for him. Bcos it can get very frustrating. But still, how else would I know what to improve on if he never pointed them out to me.

I added that he was very harsh with Minnie (an intern, bukan nama sebenar) back then. He made Minnie cry like every night bcos it was so hard for her. I told him he had made me cry too. He said he was sorry... tho I'm not sure if he really meant it. He did sound surprised when he heard this.

He told me that the reason he wanted to resign last time was bcos of 3 things;
1. He didn't think he was paid enough for the work he put in
2. Office politics. From being the middle person between our current boss and ex-boss
3. He doesn't like people management

Then when I asked him what made him stay, he said that the new job would not only be a remote job but he would also be the only one in his team. So, that's why he thought maybe he could improve on people management by staying.

I said it was unfair how our boss assigned him as the lead for the GMSA project but I'm doing all the work instead. I said that he should've at least made it clear that he didn't want to lead from the start. It would've prepared me better. But still I said that I wasn't ready. He told me that nobody was ready.

He said that he actually didn't want to work on GMSA. He was actually leaving it up to me bcos he didn't want to be involved in this project. In utter disbelief, I called him selfish. 

I told him that when our boss started taking leaves bcos of his family, I felt like I had no one else to rely on for this project. Our boss took leaves on and off for almost a month during our deadlines. I said even though he was still there as my senior, it didn't felt like he was. I felt like I was doing this alone. I said to him "Why must I care about this project when literally no one else does? Why must I do this alone?".

He admitted that he was wrong. He continued to share that when he was an intern, he worked on a similar project. The whole project codebase was a mess and it gave him a lot of stress. He even took a whole week off just to escape the project. Then I asked, what made him accept the offer to work as a permanent staff later on, he said "Because the project ended". 

Lol.

So he knows where am I coming from. He felt it back then too. But still he was damn selfish for leaving it all to me.

I asked him what is his proudest project to date. At first he said none. And after giving it some thought, he said a project called People Scorecard. It was the project I worked with him during my internship. I also found out that I was the only one who have worked on it with him, though my contribution only lasted for a month or so bcos my internship was ending. That project ended up having bugs so his exact answer of his proudest project was "People Scorecard when it was working".

He said that he have trouble following things through. Which is the case for most of his projects. But he said he's still learning.

He told me that he wasn't even told to lead GMSA and that he was only asked to helped out. He said despite it being hard, I did a really good job. He don't think that he could've done it the way I did. He also said that he sucks at giving presentations and that I did good.

Back when Kihyun (ex-team leader, bukan nama sebenar) asked him whether he would want to hire me as a permanent staff (bcos as a senior, his opinion mattered too), I asked him why did he agree to it. He said that bcos he saw my potential while doing People Scorecard. I didn't think it was good. How would I think it's good when all of my code ended up being changed by him. He said that it was good enough for someone at a fresh grad level. I shared with him how I didn't actually wanted to do programming but I accepted the offer bcos of Kihyun. I said that Kihyun showed me what a good leader is. But as soon as I rejoined, he left. I felt so betrayed and it taught me a very valuable lesson that I shouldn't solely make a decision based on people.

I asked if he had anything to say to me, he was quiet for a few seconds and just said "sorry". I laughed and said that wasn't what I meant. I just wanted to get his feedback on my performance. He said that I have improved a lot and that I'm doing better than before.

I asked him whether he had experience joining any clubs or societies in college. He said no. Even in high school? He said no. I said that he had no social life. He rebutted saying he has. So I told him I've actually seen a tiktok video of him before. It was a video of him drinking while playing a board game. 

Mind you, contrary to his shy and innocent appearance, this guy is actually a heavy drinker and my assumption is that he is also a party guy. I told him I already had such impression of him when I first saw the video. He said it was actually a dare from his friends.

He got so flustered that his face turned red. He said he had privated his tiktok account. That's when I realized, the video that I saw might not actually be the video he meant. Bcos the video I saw wasn't from a personal account. He probably have done worse things... which I really don't want to know. He is still my senior after all.

He said that he's the type of student who just go to class then go home. He doesn't do anything else other than study (and maybe drink 👀). I said no wonder he lacks of soft skills. No wonder he doesn't know how to communicate and lead a team well. He said he's still learning.

I asked whether he knows when did I started getting a bit comfortable with him, he said he didn't know. I said it was the time he helped me at 3am. I asked why did he do that bcos he's not someone who usually would. I told him that it was the first time he offered to help first. He didn't realize that. 

He just said that he was surprised to still see me awake at that hour. I asked why he still helped even though he knows it would usually take an hour or so every time we go on a call. He said he only helped bcos he also had something else to do anyway, and I said "Exactly then why did you help?". If you're gonna be busy, why stop by to help right? I also added "Of course I'm glad u helped bcos u solved a big part of it. But still, I wondered why?". He didn't give an answer. I guess he didn't think it was a big deal.

Even this meeting, I engaged with him first. I asked questions first. I literally lead our entire conversation. Honestly, I waited too long for him to do his part as a senior and from now on, I'm just gonna be more open about it. For the betterment of our communication as a team.

I told him to just be direct with me next time. I said that it's okay for him to be harsh with me. It's better than not getting any feedback from him. I'm already being harsh with all the things I've said now, so it's okay for him to do the same to me.

Dropping by,
Melynn
Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
I came to the office today. The team had a scheduled physical meeting in the evening. Sadly, the meeting got cancelled midday. 

"The meeting's cancelled?", he asked when a message from my boss came in while we were having a discussion. "So I came today for nothing haha", he said followed by a nervous laugh. 

Same, I told him. I also came only for this physical meeting. 

--- 

 "Are you staying in office?", he messaged me, which I replied yes to. We just came back from lunch. He was contemplating whether he should go home or stay. 

He is known as someone who wouldn't come to office just to avoid the rush hour traffic. I decided to stay in the office instead since I was busy for our final testing and project launch that day. 

--- 

At 5pm, I was doing a major deployment on a project I handled. A process which require a lot of attention within a crucial period of time. During which I couldn't even afford to make even the slightest mistake, given the short time we had. 

However, amidst all the stress I was having, the office suddenly got lively. I turned around to see what was the chaos all about and saw a colleague walking in with a birthday cake. 

It was to celebrate 3 of my colleagues' birthdays and so happen that 🌙 was one of them. I only found out about it right then and there. 

Among the chatters and surprised laughters, I heard him shyly said "Eh, my birthday is tomorrow". 

Not long after, everyone left the office space to take a group photo, except for me. When everyone came back, I wished I was invisible at that moment just to avoid getting questioned to why I didn't join them. 

After the mood in the office got quieter, he suddenly appeared holding a piece of cake on a tissue. He cupped it with his two hands and softly said that it was for me. I forced up a smile with eyes filled with worries as I thanked him. I hope he didn't see right through me. 

I wished him an advance happy birthday and continued with the rest of the deployment. 

--- 

Finally, everything went well and all our testing showed that the latest updates were successfully deployed to the live server. 

At 7pm as he was about to leave the office, he came up to me one last time. He asked if I was still not done. Lucky for us, I'm only an email away from calling it a day. I felt a sense of relieved for being able to say that it was finally done. 

A month full of stress and worry and delayed promises, finally came to an end. I believed I delivered my best and although I despised his unhelpful self in the beginning, the 3am episode really changed it for us.

Dropping by,
Melynn.
Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
My previous two updates were a little glimpse of some heart fluttering moments at work. 

At this point, work has really taken over my life. It's something that I'm still mentally getting used to. Not having enough me time sometimes really drive me mad. Occurrences like those previous stories are what makes it a little fun, I guess.

A lot of things didn't get updated on here and I kinda felt sad that I didn't have enough time to sit down and properly think it through with words. 

To say the least, I went to a concert in Bangkok twice within 2 months! I already bought plane tickets for a solo trip to Korea next year! And I got covid during raya this year! (I wrote all about this but just realized, I didn't post it haih)

Heck, I didn't even update how I got into AB6IX this year! Honestly, it all happened too fast.

Occasionally thinking of my blog really made me miss student life - a period of life where I actually felt like I had ample of me time.

This particular post has no meaning, other than an expression of sadness I'm having towards adulthood. 

For now, leaving you with the song I had on loop for the past month, from a fictional group I wished was real;


LUNA is a group from the kdrama "Let Me Be Your Knight". In my opinion, their songs (they sang and released five songs) are way better than the kdrama "Imitation". 

I wondered why this drama didn't get as much attention when it was showing 😕 But even I only watched it for AB6IX's Donghyun lol

Dropping by,
Melynn.
Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
We searched for a quiet place to conduct a hybrid meeting. Today, it was just us two in the office. It had never just been us two in a tight-spaced meeting room before. 

While in the meeting room, our Teams group chat started blaring up when suddenly we were informed that one person from the team just got tested covid positive. 

The convo went like this; 

🥔: 👤 has tested positive today
🥔: He was in office yesterday... We were in office too
🐌: He sat beside me
🐌: Oh no
🥔: We are considered as close contact. Better to go check
🐌: Ok I will go check
🥔: 🌙, please help to inform those in the office
🥔: Just need them to test only
🥔: Now no more close contact rule. We just have to go home immediately

And then he came in with;

🌙: But I don't remember talking to him for long hahaha
🐌: We were eating together
🌙: I sit with 🥔
🐌: I'm so scared
🐌: I haven't got covid yet leh
🥔: I haven't got covid also ah... haha

You have no idea how much I was laughing reading the convo. Everyone was so serious and then there's him 🤣

I was always entertained by his witty remarks, but never laughed out loud in front of him like I did then.

I felt very comfortable with him at that point. It no longer felt awkward and I'm glad. I hope he felt the change too.

Dropping by,
Melynn.
Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
It was 3am when I stayed up with already-droopy-eyelids trying to figure out some system errors. 

Suddenly a Teams message popup with a "??". It came from my shy introverted senior, questioning why am I still awake. 

That pleasant 3am surprise, followed with his offer to help. 

"Come we solve the issue"

Such common gesture from a senior to a junior, was actually his first time to me. I was always the one asking for it, never once offered it.

When other seniors would suggest to hop on a call whenever we're stuck, he carried on with text messaging. When other seniors explain to you like you're 5, he never bothered to even explain. So I wondered what made him change?

We got off the call at 4am. I was touched by his effort to crack our brains together. 

He knew going on a call with me would take at least half an hour. So after taking an hour of his extra work time away, I felt utterly grateful but I still wonder, what was he thinking when he offered to help? 

Ever since then, I have been braver to bombard him with my never-ending problems. Well, he asked for it.

One day, I came to the office after a tough and stressful morning working from home. I had a deadline that day, but problems kept coming.

He physically approached me in the office. The guy who never did, did.

As he was explaining to me, to my surprise, he spoke some Malay. The guy who spoke more Chinese than English with others (most of my team are Chinese), is attempting to speak a language he almost never use before... to me?

Back during our first department trip, when we played a team game together and one person needed to be excluded, I insisted that I wanted to play. He then look at me and said, "Good... here!" as he handed the baton to me and giving up his spot. The person who never acknowledge my existence anywhere else, suddenly giving his way. 

Even after more than a year of being colleagues, it never quite felt like it. We still never talk outside of work and never joke around like how I joke around with other guy colleagues. I still find it funny how he was the reason I got permanently hired after my internship (since he gave his approval to recommend me) and he is currently the only senior left from my internship days, yet I'm still this awkward with him.

I kept telling myself, he's probably just a shy guy.

Dropping by,
Melynn.

Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
Some time last month, I became a TikTok creator. Of kpop contents haha. 

I was on my Twitter stan account when I came across several tweets by the fanbase. Apparently, they wanted more fans to promote the idol group's contents on TikTok. 

Didn't bat an eye at first. A couple of convincing tweets later, I ended up posting video edits on TikTok.  

Although it was a short phase that lasted about 2 weeks, I learnt some cool things about the app from a fellow creator's perspective!

Fun fact. TikTok isn't the first app I use to post fan edits 🤭
I posted similar contents on Instagram back then - prior to it turning into Reels. So there were couple of things I notice rather quickly about TikTok.

The first thing that stood out to me was that literally everyone and anyone goes viral daily!

Personally, it took me just a couple days to go from 20 views per video to 10,000 views per video. 

On the contrary, 100 views is already considered a lot by Instagram standard when you first started out. Mind you that I didn't have any followers until that 10,000 views video started blowing up. 
My next video that went viral even reached 100,000 views overnight! Not to mention that it was the video right after the 10,000 views one. 

It was insane to think about.

This left me dying of curiosity so I spent the next few days, trying to play around with the algorithm to figure out how the app works. Of course, I didn't manage to break all the codes, but there were some hints I discovered that could explain how my posts did so well.


Hint 1: TikTok is highly-based on time and region.

No wonder people go crazy on upload time. It is a game changer! Both of my viral videos were posted at 5pm on a weekday and I don't think it was a coincidence.

So if you're based in Malaysia, be wary on listening to non-Malaysian hacks! It probably won't work with our culture and social media habits as it works on the recommender's followers.

Hint 2: Your first 5 videos matters.

TikTok isn't an app where you should care about your feed looking pretty. The main goal is to be on the For You Page (FYP) and get people to engage as much as they should!
The TikTok algorithm will blast your videos to random niches and let various users decide the virality based on the engagements your videos are getting. It's why new accounts are the easiest to go viral. So avoid experimenting too much with your videos when posting on TikTok.

However, take note that once you've built some followings, that's when you should pay attention to your follower's active time instead. If you want your video to enter FYP, it has to do well among your followers first before TikTok shares it with non-followers.

Hint 3: TikTok values shares and comments over likes.

Unlike Instagram, I realize 'likes' didn't help much in terms of virality. Instead, shares and comments were the ones boosting the numbers. 

So it's important to include some sort of call-to-action (CTA) in your videos such as asking people to share, comment, etc. Or try to make some share-worthy contents!

Hint 4: Make people watch til the end.

TikTok values average time for each post. 

The longer people watch your video, the higher the average time gets. Considering how fast people swipe on TikTok, it isn't easy to get people to stay but providing titles or a captivating 3 seconds-intro really helps!

Hint 5: Sometimes you get viral NOT because of your video's main point.

Funny thing about netizens are that they could comment about something you totally didn't see when you first posted. I get mindblown whenever this happens and it wasn't just once or twice! 🤯

Even though you have little to no control over this kind of reaction, do know that this is also a quick and easy recipe to virality. 

Plus, the comments get super interesting to read too!

-----------------

Although, my creative juices stopped after about 10 videos, creating on TikTok had been fun while it lasts.

I will probably return to it when I have more time to spare in the future. No promises though.

Shameless plug coming thru 😜 
@choiunics
Dropping by,
Melynn.
Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
Been awhile since I share about the current happenings at work. I guess, with me still WFH, it's still always the same boring stuff. Though on a side note, I actually transferred department! Well, my whole team did. But this post isn't about that. Probably will explain in a different post.

The more I work on different projects, the more I realized how much learning I need to go through for each one of them. Everything is so unrelated to one another 😵

At first I figured it would just be the different programming languages and all those thing a software engineer expected to do. But then after awhile, it's not just the IT skills anymore.

Every project would have different clients and each require me to understand different requirements. From understanding tax terms when I was an intern, to currently learning about insurance contract terms like IFRS17. It honestly felt like out of my job scope already. Not to mention, my IT skills are also needed on top of it. 


I now understand how experience could increase your value as an employee. Employers aren't just looking for people with the skills based on your field of study, you are valued more if you have a combination of both your skills AND client's needs - in my case, an IFRS17 background.

Honestly, things are bearable if they come one at a time and one thing pauses when another appears. That is actually what happened to me. For the past 4 months, I am constantly assigned to 2-3 different projects but then each one of them also have really slow progresses, which I'm super grateful for btw. Can't imagine learning and doing so many things at once. Definitely not at that level yet eek.

In this situation, I am reminded of one of the university courses I took on my final semester, where I had to refer to manuals and lecture videos to understand how the software tool works. It felt like being a student again. I'm not sure if this is totally normal - learning during work hours - but it's indeed what I've been working on at the moment. It's not as busy as when there is definite deadline with these clients, but it is definitely time and mentally consuming to be expected to know from A to Z.

And with everything new... I can't wait to finally be familiar with this thing!! The beginning of a learning phase is always my least favourite. You feel so vulnerable and clueless that you don't even know what you don't know. 


Although I've grown pretty much accustomed to doing it alone, from all those studying and working from home for the past 2 years, it's still a lot of self-discipline needed for myself. Always a challenge to manage my time, followed by the struggle to muster up courage and ask for help.

Sometimes I question, do I deserve this much pay when I am pretty much still being treated AND acting like an intern lol. 

Don't get me wrong, it still is very much exciting to learn and assigned to a variety of projects when I'm just starting out. My mum asked me the other day, "Your clients memang from various industry eh?" when I told her about my current engagement and that made me realize how variety KPMG clients are. 

Also she told me that accounting/financial professionals are pretty much "lifeless" when I told her that the team I'm collaborating with are from the accounting department and they work 24/7, like they even attend meetings on their annual leaves 😳

Coming from someone who needs that work-life balance, damn I could never relate...

Lastly, as my first post of 2022, I'd like to wish my dearest readers a HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Hope it's not to late to wish you a happy and fulfilling year ahead. May Allah bless you in this new year always ❤️️

Dropping by,
Melynn.
Share
Tweet
Pin
Share
No comments
Newer Posts
Older Posts

About me


Aye! The name's Amelynn.

98 liner and a sucker for kpop & kdramas. I write as I think. Hope you're able to gain something from me ❤️️

Labels

  • boys
  • career
  • competition
  • concert
  • food review
  • kdrama
  • KPop
  • life update
  • movie review
  • poem
  • rant
  • recommendations
  • review
  • self-development
  • shopping
  • skill
  • skincare review
  • song pick
  • storytelling
  • tech
  • tips and tricks
  • travel
  • university
  • wherewhathow

Popular Posts

  • The ElyXiOn in KL: Rockzone Experience!!
    2016. The year I went to my first KPop concert. And that happened about 2 years after stanning EXO. At that time, it was EXO'luXion....
  • Where, what, how... to make LED banner for Concerts!!
    A fun blog post coming thru! This time will be about DIY... yes, time to get a lil crafty. So, during the recent iKON CONTINUE Tour in ...
  • Internship Application Story (part 2)
    If you haven't read Part 1, I highly suggest you to read that first ( click here ) to have a better point-of-view between the two offers...
  • Ramble on iKON
    To commemorate me who spent RM380 on another concert tix recently, I would like to share a little story.  It's called "How I F...
  • What's wrong
    I feel like I've legit killed myself. Not literally... though I felt like I'm slowly dying by my own actions. I fucked up my FY...
  • Internship Application Story (part 1)
    This topic will be split into 2 parts... bcos I got myself another interesting offer. So if you're curious why I reject the other compan...
  • A Joseon Cinderella: 100 Days My Prince
    I'm not really fond of historical drama but I knew I wanted to watch D.O's acting cos my EXO-L heart is begging me to... so I had t...

Song Inspo 🎶

Come Drop By

Followers

Blog Archive

  • ►  2024 (4)
    • ►  May (3)
    • ►  April (1)
  • ►  2023 (5)
    • ►  December (1)
    • ►  September (1)
    • ►  August (3)
  • ▼  2022 (7)
    • ▼  December (2)
      • A heart-to-heart session 🌙
      • Happy birthday 🌙
    • ►  November (3)
      • I miss life
      • The meeting chat 🌙🐌🥔
      • My shy senior 🌙
    • ►  April (1)
      • TikTok algorithm
    • ►  January (1)
      • Work is you getting paid to study
  • ►  2021 (16)
    • ►  December (1)
    • ►  September (2)
    • ►  August (1)
    • ►  July (1)
    • ►  June (2)
    • ►  May (2)
    • ►  March (2)
    • ►  February (4)
    • ►  January (1)
  • ►  2020 (33)
    • ►  December (4)
    • ►  November (4)
    • ►  September (1)
    • ►  August (5)
    • ►  July (5)
    • ►  May (3)
    • ►  March (4)
    • ►  February (2)
    • ►  January (5)
  • ►  2019 (8)
    • ►  November (1)
    • ►  August (3)
    • ►  June (3)
    • ►  March (1)
  • ►  2018 (34)
    • ►  December (5)
    • ►  November (4)
    • ►  October (5)
    • ►  September (2)
    • ►  July (1)
    • ►  June (2)
    • ►  May (3)
    • ►  April (5)
    • ►  March (2)
    • ►  February (2)
    • ►  January (3)
  • ►  2017 (45)
    • ►  December (4)
    • ►  November (3)
    • ►  September (3)
    • ►  August (6)
    • ►  July (6)
    • ►  June (3)
    • ►  May (6)
    • ►  April (3)
    • ►  March (3)
    • ►  February (1)
    • ►  January (7)
  • ►  2016 (49)
    • ►  October (5)
    • ►  September (6)
    • ►  August (12)
    • ►  July (5)
    • ►  June (5)
    • ►  May (13)
    • ►  January (3)
  • ►  2014 (7)
    • ►  October (1)
    • ►  April (1)
    • ►  March (4)
    • ►  January (1)
  • ►  2013 (9)
    • ►  December (5)
    • ►  July (2)
    • ►  June (2)
  • ►  2012 (2)
    • ►  September (2)

Created with by BeautyTemplates