A long post ahead. An honest conversation from a junior to a senior.

For context, I have worked over a year with this one senior. We have never talked other than work-related but I finally confronted him after our project ended. 

This senior is only a year older than me. So sometimes, it's hard to totally ignore the fact that we're literally around the same age. This conversation was very casual and also filled with laughter here and there but contains heavy and serious topics discussed.

I really wanted to document this conversation as I feel like it's very raw and shows how imperfect the reality is with workplaces. It's also nice to see how we'll move on from here.

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I started by asking him whether he hates me. He laughed and said "No, why would I hate you?". I told him I hated working with him and that he was very hard to work with. I told him that he was very hard to approach. Throughout the one year I worked with him, I felt very awkward. But he said he didn't feel awkward with me though.

I said I thought he wouldn't talk to me bcos I was a girl. But I saw him talking to other girls just fine so I wondered if it was a me problem. He said "No, it was me". I said I also asked Yeri (ex-senior, bukan nama sebenar) and she said the same thing as me, but Kevin (another ex-senior, bukan nama sebenar) said that u talked to him just fine. So I wondered is it really bcos I was a girl. He found it funny bcos he didn't think he talked to Kevin often as well. Basically, he doesn't really talk to other people.

He told me that he had been told that he was hard to approach before. Bcos when he works, he tends to solely work and ignore the rest of his surrounding. But he have been trying his best to do less of that. He said he's only like that when he works and that he's different outside of work.

He said that I should've just talked to him. I rolled my eyes at him. He wasn't actually being welcoming to say the least. 

I told him that I wished he could've guided me better. When he did code review for me that one or two times, I really appreciated it. I told him I learnt a lot from that. I said that I could even tell that he was pissed from his code review to which he laughed and agreed saying he was. He also said that sometimes when we were in a call, he would get so frustrated that he'd mute himself just to cuss me out. I laughed and told him I do that too lmao.

He admitted that he lacks patience in teaching. He said that it is faster and easier to just do it by himself so that's why he hasn't been teaching us juniors properly. He said he was still learning and improving on that.

He also said that he doesn't see me as a junior but just as a team member. I said, I respect him as a senior. He is smart and I do understand that as someone who is already technically advanced, going back to teach the basics might not be easy for him. Bcos it can get very frustrating. But still, how else would I know what to improve on if he never pointed them out to me.

I added that he was very harsh with Minnie (an intern, bukan nama sebenar) back then. He made Minnie cry like every night bcos it was so hard for her. I told him he had made me cry too. He said he was sorry... tho I'm not sure if he really meant it. He did sound surprised when he heard this.

He told me that the reason he wanted to resign last time was bcos of 3 things;

1. He didn't think he was paid enough for the work he put in

2. Office politics. From being the middle person between our current boss and ex-boss

3. He doesn't like people management

Then when I asked him what made him stay, he said that the new job would not only be a remote job but he would also be the only one in his team. So, that's why he thought maybe he could improve on people management by staying.

I said it was unfair how our boss assigned him as the lead for the GMSA project but I'm doing all the work instead. I said that he should've at least made it clear that he didn't want to lead from the start. It would've prepared me better. But still I said that I wasn't ready. He told me that nobody was ready.

He said that he actually didn't want to work on GMSA. He was actually leaving it up to me bcos he didn't want to be involved in this project. In utter disbelief, I called him selfish. 

I told him that when our boss started taking leaves bcos of his family, I felt like I had no one else to rely on for this project. Our boss took leaves on and off for almost a month during our deadlines. I said even though he was still there as my senior, it didn't felt like he was. I felt like I was doing this alone. I said to him "Why must I care about this project when literally no one else does? Why must I do this alone?".

He admitted that he was wrong. He continued to share that when he was an intern, he worked on a similar project. The whole project codebase was a mess and it gave him a lot of stress. He even took a whole week off just to escape the project. Then I asked, what made him accept the offer to work as a permanent staff later on, he said "Because the project ended". 

Lol.

So he knows where am I coming from. He felt it back then too. But still he was damn selfish for leaving it all to me.

I asked him what is his proudest project to date. At first he said none. And after giving it some thought, he said a project called People Scorecard. It was the project I worked with him during my internship. I also found out that I was the only one who have worked on it with him, though my contribution only lasted for a month or so bcos my internship was ending. That project ended up having bugs so his exact answer of his proudest project was "People Scorecard when it was working".

He said that he have trouble following things through. Which is the case for most of his projects. But he said he's still learning.

He told me that he wasn't even told to lead GMSA and that he was only asked to helped out. He said despite it being hard, I did a really good job. He don't think that he could've done it the way I did. He also said that he sucks at giving presentations and that I did good.

Back when Kihyun (ex-team leader, bukan nama sebenar) asked him whether he would want to hire me as a permanent staff (bcos as a senior, his opinion mattered too), I asked him why did he agree to it. He said that bcos he saw my potential while doing People Scorecard. I didn't think it was good. How would I think it's good when all of my code ended up being changed by him. He said that it was good enough for someone at a fresh grad level. I shared with him how I didn't actually wanted to do programming but I accepted the offer bcos of Kihyun. I said that Kihyun showed me what a good leader is. But as soon as I rejoined, he left. I felt so betrayed and it taught me a very valuable lesson that I shouldn't solely make a decision based on people.

I asked if he had anything to say to me, he was quiet for a few seconds and just said "sorry". I laughed and said that wasn't what I meant. I just wanted to get his feedback on my performance. He said that I have improved a lot and that I'm doing better than before.

I asked him whether he had experience joining any clubs or societies in college. He said no. Even in high school? He said no. I said that he had no social life. He rebutted saying he has. So I told him I've actually seen a tiktok video of him before. It was a video of him drinking while playing a board game. 

Mind you, contrary to his shy and innocent appearance, this guy is actually a heavy drinker and my assumption is that he is also a party guy. I told him I already had such impression of him when I first saw the video. He said it was actually a dare from his friends.

He got so flustered that his face turned red. He said he had privated his tiktok account. That's when I realized, the video that I saw might not actually be the video he meant. Bcos the video I saw wasn't from a personal account. He probably have done worse things... which I really don't want to know. He is still my senior after all.

He said that he's the type of student who just go to class then go home. He doesn't do anything else other than study (and maybe drink 👀). I said no wonder he lacks of soft skills. No wonder he doesn't know how to communicate and lead a team well. He said he's still learning.

I asked whether he knows when did I started getting a bit comfortable with him, he said he didn't know. I said it was the time he helped me at 3am. I asked why did he do that bcos he's not someone who usually would. I told him that it was the first time he offered to help first. He didn't realize that. 

He just said that he was surprised to still see me awake at that hour. I asked why he still helped even though he knows it would usually take an hour or so every time we go on a call. He said he only helped bcos he also had something else to do anyway, and I said "Exactly then why did you help?". If you're gonna be busy, why stop by to help right? I also added "Of course I'm glad u helped bcos u solved a big part of it. But still, I wondered why?". He didn't give an answer. I guess he didn't think it was a big deal.

Even this meeting, I engaged with him first. I asked questions first. I literally lead our entire conversation. Honestly, I waited too long for him to do his part as a senior and from now on, I'm just gonna be more open about it. For the betterment of our communication as a team.

I told him to just be direct with me next time. I said that it's okay for him to be harsh with me. It's better than not getting any feedback from him. I'm already being harsh with all the things I've said now, so it's okay for him to do the same to me.

Dropping by,