In between start and end

Anyway I asked my friend recently, "Do you have anyone you admire? Like a celebrity or people on the Internet that you look up to?" and she replied saying no. 

Then I'm like, "Same. I don't think I have anyone..." 

(Lies. I actually have a person in mind, but malas plak nk explain who to her lol)  

Then she said "Eh, you like Vivy kan?" and I was such in a state of denial hearing that hahah. Mostly because so many people are only fond of her because of the trend. But after some time I gave in, I do actually admire her. I happened to bring up 'Vivy' in A LOT of conversations with my friends and that's why my friend thinks so.

Now I just wanna tell, on the reasons to why I think I always talk about her. See, I'm admitting it for real trus #ambikkau.

It's a rare thing to see the life of someone who's successful and at the same time, so real on social media. Vivy is someone who is very brave in showcasing her life, she is good at making herself seemed very transparent and open to everything. And that is why I think a lot of people like her.

What I like about her most is actually her effort. In everything. Do you know how hard it is to be an ambassador, content creator AND running a company all at the same time? Plus, being a mum. What she's doing is daunting. Yeah people may see it as fun and true, things do get fun but how much fun can it get? These stuff are humanely tiring and Vivy is pulling off everything so well.

I'm talking from a blogger's perspective. A student's perspective. A youtuber-wannabe's perspective. I have contents but making them takes such a strong willpower to begin with, so in the end most things just died out. But I remembered how Vivy said in one of her previous blog posts where she will try to post an entry daily. On top of posting Instagram pictures every single day. For someone as busy as her, I seriously have so much respect for her having such a will.

And you know what's even better? She really made it happen for some time. She had seriously won all of my respect as a person.

Even as a student, I am not even as close to being that rajin. She wouldn't show it but I bet you, life isn't always easy and she must've had her share of terrible days. Being able to suppress that and still put up positive contents makes her seem very good at handling her feelings and stress. 

I really like her vibe. She is an ambitious young woman. She is well-aware of what is happening around her, either people are talking about her, or just her not knowing certain things. She's just not afraid of voicing her concerns, also making it sound very mundane, which most people try so hard to hide. You see, everybody can be clueless at times and there is NOTHING wrong with discovering something new. That is what Vivy always portray herself as - a learner and a sinner. It's what keeps her grounded, and what keeps me motivated to become grateful and more hardworking towards my own goals. In life, I learnt to keep those people who gets the best out of me and virtually, I think Vivy kinda help me too.

In any rare cases Vivy Sofinas Yusof reads this, I just wanna say... You outshine people just by being you and you did good. Also, isn't there any way to be a dUCKie without spending a bomb? Lol.

------

My next admiration is a guy. Younger than me, but wiser and much more passionate. An Indonesian Content Creator, Agung Hapsah.

He is such a talented and one of the most passionate person I came to know (not in real life obvs). What I truly like about him is his editing skills. He is not just your regular YouTuber tau, he puts effort into ALL his videos. Basically his editing just won't ever disappoint anyone. And ofc, learning won't come easy but I still respect his time management for able to cope school and social life as a YouTuber, plus uploading AMAZING quality contents every now and then.

The honest reason why I admire him is probably because I'm always jealous of his editing. His After Effects and filming is cray cray wehh. Not enough with his usual high quality debatable topics, but also great filmography as well. Here's his video to make you understand me better:

If that wasn't cool, I think even the world can't impress you. 

His channel is just my fav. 

So yeah, those are 2 of my current admiration. I was not trying to be all that schematic and give answers such as "My mum/dad is my admiration" though that can sometimes be true.

Dropping by,

Melynn.

I can't believe how fast time flies. My semester is already ending! Felt like I'm still in my first year of diploma, when really it has already been my second. 

The time has come where we gotta choose our electives which indirectly means choosing our major!! As I already am an IT student, the rest of the question is which part of IT am I leaning towards.

My choices of subjects (for next sem) are; Artificial Intelligence (AI), Database Administration (DBA), Networking, Active Directory and Digital Media Design. 

Throughout all my 3 semesters up until now, I have not quite been a fan of networking subjects. Things that deal with Operating System, the computer hardware, configuration and such topic are my least interest. That is why I am rejecting Networking and Active Directory, since they are both coming from the same roots. However, many of my close friends are interested in networking which kinda pushes me aside from the group. 

Now, AI has been one of my considerable subjects ever since I became an IT student. But since robotics and physics aren't really what I would deal well with, even looking at myself right now, so I decided this too might not work best for me. However, this is also what a lot of my friends are considering, but a lot of them are still unsure because of Additional Mathematics. I'm expecting lots of formulas and calculation in this one for sure. Which is also not what I would settle happily with.

Leaving my options with DBA and Digital Media Design. Surprisingly, database subjects has been one of my favourite, because they are pretty easy to understand and comprehend. In addition, programming is also very satisfying to me and I guess, my wish of studying Software Engineering might turn out to be possible in my near future if I keep this passion up... who knows?

For Digital Media Design, I am expecting lots of Adobe stuff again. Even though the previous multimedia-related subjects have not been so nicely graded, I pray that this won't be a bad choice for me. I am probably looking forward to learning After Effects and motion graphics through this subject. And really wish I can put this subject into good use. Even though, I'm aware that I got no talent for this. Oh well, screw it!

So, that's it for the update. Really not sure what to expect from each classes, but we shall see. Guess we just gotta go experiment them next sem huhu.

To my surprise, Eisyah also listened to the same old song around the same time as I was (she posted in her instastory).

Therefore, I just wanna reminisce what a wonder this life of mine has truly been. Here's to 40 of my little wonders;

1. Mars is my all time favourite chocolate bar. Twix is my current.

2. English feels more home than the Malay language itself.

3. The best part of any fish is its head and crispy tail. 

4. Sunshine is better than rainy days.

5. The secure feeling is when I leave the house with my powerbank at 100%.

6. The best morning view is of green hills and blue sky.

7. Coffee smell is the best wake-up call.

8. Beef wins over chicken and fish.

9. Walking to class means I am still able and well.

10. When class ends before the scheduled time.

11. My notebook finishes along side with my total classes.

12. Having extra supplies at the right time.

13. Smiling to the mirror in the morning means it's a start to a good day.

14. When my phone falls but never cracks.

15. Emptying the dustbin feels like clearing off my thoughts.

16. Not having any weekend plans.

17. When cats listen to my call.

18. When I have a reason to dial home.

19. Getting praises from a stranger.

20. Receiving 50 cent coins.

21. Hearing mum asks "How are you doing?".

22. Able to hug and fight my brothers without reason.

23. Getting promo codes for your Grab rides.

24. Turkey ham, tuna and cheese makes the best sandwich.

25. Finding someone who prefers roti tampal instead of roti telur too.

26. Catching a flying object.

27. Earning money while having fun from doing what you love.

28. Overcoming that writer's block.

29. Knowing the road to my destination.

30. Understanding theories when most people don't.

31. McD is better than KFC. 

32. Dadih is my favourite pudding. 

33. Nata de coco is my favourite topping.

34. Pepperoni beef is my favourite pizza.

35. Dreaming about the person I like.

36. Waking up with gradient-looking chapped lips.

37. Watching my favourite choreo over and over again without growing tired of it.

38. Catching on few words in sign language or Korean.

39. Performing in front of a crowd.

40. Peeing clear liquid and pooping every morning.

I guess that should be enough of appreciation for now. Judging by all the food-related wonders, food is such a loyal company. Also, hope that last one didn't gross you out.

The question now is; What are YOUR little wonders?

Dropping by,

Melynn.

I just got off a phone call with my mum. Wasn't the best call (or conversation) I've had. It's been awhile since my eyes are as red and sore....

I have no idea what's going on, but I've been relatively quiet lately. I listen to old Disney songs, on top of the HSM playlists I've been jamming through for a couple of months now. I get sensitive over things I used to overlook. Now, I feel like going through puberty again ugh.

All I can say is it's not easy staying sane. Always gotta remind yourself to be ok and don't get too overwhelmed by people. I also can't seem to find comfort by telling people my problems. It's hard to even face the problem as it is, let alone getting criticised for it. See idek what I want exactly.

This is why I don't like being too happy. Because sadness would follow-up not long after.

I always have problems with money.

I always have problems with friends.

I always have problems with the way I dress.

I always have problems with my face.

I always have problems with trust.

But I overlook all those because it hurts... so... bad... to think of something I can hardly do anything about. These problems are bigger than just mere words, obviously.

Imagine worrying every single day about which meal not to eat, because you won't have enough for the week. And at the same time, you can't open up to people because 1) no one cares (not kidding, bcos what can they do) and 2) it's not as easy as you think of not getting embarrassed by it. I am not looking for pity but I'm just giving an overview of my kind of day here in the university. Not many people see that this is what some of us are facing. I bet you, even my parents doesn't know about this.

You must be thinking, don't my parents support me? Here I mean it when I say I'm not rich. My family is average, but life hardly gets easier for us financially. I don't get pocket money every week like most people do. The best thing I can do as a daughter is to ask as little or the least frequent as I can for money. 

But I guess it should be better now, because I can finally depend on my school loan. Hopefully.

Imagine sticking to only one friend. We share our lives too much and tolerating isn't as easy with our  own ego. Like everybody has their days, but sometimes it's weird because when it's her bad day she can whine to the world. Then when it's my turn, I usually just keep quiet. But people don't see that's how I am and apparently I'm hard to deal with.

Imagine hearing people say "I'll buy you something for your wardrobe" as a saying that my fashion is unbearable. You can buy me anything you please, but even when saying it in a supposing friendly manner, it still delivers the same hurtful message. You never know how much I cherish every hole in my clothes, every shabby looking scarfs I own, they mean a lot to me because that's all I have. So that's how I shall live. I too am guilty that I can't afford everything as trendy as all of my peers. But do you know, how hard I resist for these things? Because my state of life is not suited for these kind of luxury like other people are having. 

Imagine having a bumpy and red face throughout your whole secondary school life. I can still smile and be confident because I overlook everything to avoid myself from feeling like it controls me. But when people don't dare to touch your face because of how 'scarred' it looked, yeah... convince me to not feel hurt. But then again, I never said I gave up on changing that. I only meant for people to stop making the wound bigger for me. Please.

Trust is built when you can share deep conversations together. But these conversations never end well whenever I truly say what I mean. Because saying things unfiltered will affect the friendship which are already as shaky as it is, and for me to be totally blunt about everything. It's also not right when your friend is just as unstable as you are to be listening to your problematic point of view.

This has been an emotional ranty post. I probably just miss being home and alone. Or that I am just hungry after only having a single meal today. Anyway if you are feeling down, hope some of my problems cheer you up for making you think you are not alone. Have a blessed day guys!

Dropping by,

Melynn.